


A Sci-Fi Fan's Adventure

by Cececat1



Category: Rocky Horror Picture Show
Genre: Frank is a Ghost like King Hamlet, Gen, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Subplot with Brad and Janet, Written 1/2/2016 to 1/6/2016, classic literature references, sort of a sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 08:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 23,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8049010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cececat1/pseuds/Cececat1
Summary: Janet's teenaged niece Fay is dragged along to Ralph & Betty's wedding... and later ends up with her Aunt at a certain castle. Will her knowledge of Science Fiction change the story? Or will the sight of an attractive woman in a maid's outfit prove too distracting? This starts by following plot of the movie, through the eyes of an OC, but continues into an original story. Lots of random references to Classic Literature and other weirdness. My first complete story, originally posted on fan fiction.net last January. (COMPLETE, of course)





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fay was supposed to be me, at first, though she isn't a Mary Sue (judging by how many reviews I got last time). Everyone kind of hates her (justifiably) for a while so I suppose she's a bit of an antihero. Though she's better by the end. This story is older and a bit childish, though I find it cute. Please review if you enjoy it!

I'd always loved science fiction movies. But never did I think I could get caught up in one…

It began when I was staying with my Aunt Janet for the weekend. My parents seem to believe that I might accidently burn down the house if I stay there alone, so they always ship me off to stay with a relative. That weekend they rented a beach house and would be away for four days.

I hate the beach, but I hated Aunt Janet's house even more.

She's the most boring person in the world. For some reason she likes to pretend that anything not mainstream doesn't exist. Her boyfriend Brad doesn't mind talking about science fiction, since he likes to read Isaac Asimov and Arthur C. Clarke once in a while… but he doesn't say a word about it when she is listening.

All her friends are equally awful.

Much to my annoyance, a wedding she'd been invited to happened to be on the exact same weekend I'd be staying with her. How dreadful.

She made me wear an awful lavender-colored dress and a hat for some reason. I'll never understand half the things that woman says.

"I won't want my own niece embarrassing me in front of Betty's family and other friends," Aunt Janet explained as we got in the car. "They think you're a polite young lady, Fay Gallagher. Hopefully you can avoid saying something rude or talking about Science Fiction."

Though she didn't notice, Brad winked at me. He knew I'd hidden a tattered old copy of 2001: a Space Odyssey in my pastel colored purse.

And so, we drove to the little church where the ceremony was being held. I didn't dare get my book out yet, fearing that Aunt Janet would take it away before we even got to the place.

Amidst the crowd of ordinary people in boring formal clothing I noticed a man and two women dressed in solemn clothes reminiscent of 19th century mourning wear. Before I could strike up a conversation with the only interesting people there, we had to sit down.

Aunt Janet and I sat on either side of her boyfriend. This made it easier for me to read the book I'd brought. He was in the way of her finding out I wasn't paying attention.

So I read my book the entire time.

"It's time to leave now," her boyfriend whispered after a while.

He's extremely nice for someone dating grumpy old Aunt Janet. Always looking out for everybody…

After we'd all left the church, I leaned against the outside wall and went back to reading. Science Fiction is a great escape from real life. The sound of thunder in the distance began to worry me, so I ended up putting my book back in my purse and entertained myself by making up stories in which I became a character in a Sci-Fi film… or a scream-queen like the actress I share a first name with.

I noticed that, as the other guests cleared away, Aunt Janet and her boyfriend remained. They appeared to be having a conversation of great importance, judging by the serious expression on his face.

A moment later the two of them ran toward the steps to the church. I knew exactly what was going on when he kneeled down in front of her and handed her a small box… with a glittering ring inside.

Oh joy. Another wedding coming up… another wedding I'd be required to attend!

Even as they walked into the church again, I stayed outside. I'd take a possibly life threatening thunderstorm over eavesdropping on sickeningly sentimental conversations any day.

Thankfully they soon came back outside. We then got in the car and drove away to dinner. Then, we changed out of our formal wear and into more ordinary clothes. But it's not either of those trivial events that mattered. No, the next important part of this story I am telling is when their car got a flat tire…

That's when things got interesting.

Brad was too busy listening to this bizarre cassette recording of Richard Nixon's resignation speech to realize that we'd been driving the wrong way for at least a half hour.

Aunt Janet was too busy staring at the many motorcyclists who happened to be riding around for no reason.

I was to busy making up stories involving spaceships, laser beams of doom, and highly attractive female vampires (Aunt Janet had taken away my book after going through my suspiciously heavy purse).

The car stopped in front of a blinking sign that read 'DEAD END' in large, friendly letters. Suddenly, I heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a car tire popping.

"What was that noise?" Aunt Janet whispered.

"I think we have a flat tire," her boyfriend replied.

We sat in dull silence for a moment.

"Did anyone else see a castle a mile or so back?" I asked.

Aunt Janet laughed nervously. "I thought I imagined that. You rarely see castles in Ohio."

"I bet they'll have a telephone. Then maybe we can call Professor Scott. We were going to visit him anyway," Brad said slowly.

"We're going to visit someone? Is that why it's taking so long to drive back to your house?" I asked. They ignored me.

"Well, let's go," Aunt Janet said as she got out of the car.

The three of us began to walk toward the castle that loomed in the distance. To my amusement, my aunt was attempting to use a newspaper to keep her hair from getting messed up by the rain. It didn't work. In fact, the ink was running and dripping all over her.

My curly red hair looked awful most of the time, anyway. So I hardly cared if it got soaked. Though I did pity begin Aunt Janet once I realized the dress she wore was dry-clean only.

Once we finally stood on the doorstep, Brad knocked on the door. The person who opened it was extremely strange looking, to say the very least.

(Please Review!)


	2. Two

"Hello…" said the stranger.

He looked just like the stereotypical Igor. You know, the mysterious old hunchback who serves a mad scientist. Like that guy from the 1931 film Frankenstein who helped the title character acquire a brain for the creature (played by the wonderful actor Boris Karloff).My knowledge of 1930s Universal Studios monster films seemed to apply in real life for once!

"Hi! My name is, er, Brad Majors… this is my fiancée Janet Weiss… and her niece Fay Gallagher… our car got a flat tire down the road from here. Do you have a phone we can borrow?"

The stranger stared at us for a while. "You're wet…"

"It's, er, raining," Aunt Janet replied nervously.

"I think you better… come inside…"

"Thanks," said my aunt, politely faking a smile.

I was actually thankful, but didn't say anything. The elegant architecture of the room we entered distracted me too much. Probably because of the spider webs and dust that covered nearly every surface, I thought fondly of the gothic novels I sometimes read.

And so I followed the odd butler into the foyer. I do wish that I could say I did so bravely. Unfortunately, I try not to lie unnecessarily. Cowering behind my Aunt hardly counted as courageous.

Not that I really cared.

Why did it matter if I looked frightened to a bizarre butler? It's not like supposed to be the brave. In films like Dracula, the young lady gets rescued. Though I wasn't sure if I was up to screaming like that famous 1930s actress who I share a first name with. My throat might hurt after that.

I wasn't paying attention to the awkward conversation going on between Aunt Janet and the 'Igor'… until a voice shouted: "He's lucky… You're lucky…. I'm lucky… we're all lucky! Hahahaaa!"

There, on the staircase, stood a woman with frizzy red hair and dramatic makeup. Judging by her slight accent, I realized that she probably hailed from the British Isles. She looked so beautiful in that odd maid's uniform she wore. I couldn't help but stare as she and the butler/Igor broke out into a strange song-and-dance sequence.

Somehow we ended up in this room full of people dancing and singing. I wasn't sure what to do… so I stood by the door and stared at the madness before me. Being rather petite I managed to crawl into a little hiding spot in the wall. The plaster had chipped and the insulation could be seen. My somber grey dress blended into the shadows quite well.

Yet I kept staring at the woman out of the corner of my eye...

I didn't know why. Something about her enchanted me. She looked rather (dare I say it?) sexy in that dress she wore. The dark eye makeup and pale foundation reminded me of what actresses wore in pre-Technicolor films. They needed to stand out in the harsh, shadowy lighting.

When that wild song ended I shrunk back even further into my little hiding place. I'd always been good at finding places to hide.

It kept me safe from the cruel world that hardly approved of anything. Everywhere I went I found places to hide. Often I read a book there. But now I just watched a strange scene unfold in front of me.

A man in a woman's burlesque costume was singing a song to my aunt and her fiancé. His accent sounded very British.

One of the other 'non-mainstream' students (there are about five of us) at my school had strange obsession with a British Broadcasting Company television show called Monty Python's Flying Circus. He never stopped talking about it. I found it only moderately amusing, but he found it downright hilarious.

An interesting fact I learned from his many lectures about it was that the nothing is funnier to an average Brit than a man in drag. So, at that point, I naturally assumed that these odd people were a group of British people exiled for having an overly intense sense of humor.

Soon enough Aunt Janet, Brad, and the British man in drag disappeared. The Igor went with them… but the redheaded maid didn't.

After the others were out of earshot, the woman walked over to my hiding place and began to scold me. "What are you doing, girl? Hiding there only made that tear in the plaster worse! Riffraff and I will pay for this, foolish child!"

"Who?"

"Riffraff. The butler."

"Oh… You mean the man I've been mentally referring to as 'Igor'!"

She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Seriously? Igor? It's after the character type, I'm sure. You're a funny one, child. What's your name?"

"Fay. Um, Fay Gallagher," I explained.

For reasons unknown to me at that point, her green eyes widened. "Your name is... Fay?"

"Yeah… What's so important about it?" I asked.

"Well... um... it's just like the name of an actress the Master likes. Her name is Fay Wray," she replied nervously.

"Who's 'the Master'?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

The woman chuckled darkly. "That man you saw earlier. The one in the corset, fishnets, and heavy makeup."


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS, though I own pretty much everything else in this story.   
> Here things get a bit dramatic. That is, ridiculous. Remember... I wrote this ages ago.

For a moment I stared at the woman. "I still have no idea what's going on. But I bet I should save all my other questions for later."

She nodded in agreement. "I've got to go help him with this little show he's planned. Those two people you arrived with are going to meet this Frankenstein's monster that… The Master 'designed and Riffraff built."

"Frankenstein's monster? The Universal Studios film version or original Mary Shelley novel version?" I asked curiously.

"I'm not sure of the difference. I know little of ear- er, _popular culture_."

The way she stuttered slightly made me a bit suspicious, but I blamed it on her accent. I didn't know many British people.

"Anyway, he hasn't seen you yet. We need to keep things that way," she explained.

"Why?" I asked

"Just trust me! Please!"

The pleading expression on her convinced me to do just that.

And so I followed her through the house's many confusing hallways. We walked quite quickly and in silence. I wasn't sure where we were going until we got to the room itself. It appeared to be someone's bedroom. There were two beds and two of the walls were covered in movie (and music) posters.

"Just stay here until I come and get you, alright? You're good enough at hiding to keep out of trouble. I'm sure you can find something to entertain yourself with."

I nodded.

As she was about to leave, she turned around and pointed to the TV that sat in the corner. "Whatever you do, stay out of view of that television."

Those words reminded me of a book I'd read for school. It was called _1984_ I think. Someone was always watching in that story.

In my opinion, Science Fiction that takes place in the future should be cheerful and tell of all the wonderful things humanity has accomplished. Shuddering at the memory of that awful book, I beneath one of the beds. There I began thinking of a story about the spaceship _Enterprise_ from Star Trek and its crew.

But then I realized how this strange castle reminded me of one of those old novels. 20th century Science Fiction and 19th Century Gothic literature were my favorite genres to read. I thought of how, in Bram Stoker's original novel, Count Dracula learned to speak with and English accent to blend into London society. A British accent like Magenta's! This made with think that my odd hosts might not be all they seem.

_But if they were trying to blend in with society, American accents would be better_ …

So I sat there in silence and wondered who my hosts really were.

I kept wondering if Magenta is a vampire. She sure looks it in some ways, though she's a bit too Irish in other ways. For an unknown amount of time, I crouched under that bed thinking about how strange the day had become.

Just as I was about to go back to making up stories, someone (or something) sat down on the bed I was hiding beneath. With a shriek, I crawled out from underneath the bed and saw a young woman with shoulder length, bright pink hair.

"What is-" she began to say, her voice rather high-pitched.

Magenta, who was standing nearby interrupted her. "That is a girl named Fay. I'm keeping her out of trouble for now. She came in with the two guests."

"But why is she here?" the other girl asked in her annoying voice.

"Because I'm less likely to loose track of her if she's in my room," Magenta explained.

"Our room," the other girl muttered.

Magenta rolled her eyes.

"And I still don't see why it's so important for 'the Master' to never see me," I said, a bit annoyed.

"I don't know either," the pink haired girl replied with a shrug.

"Because you look just like _her_ ," the maid spat, clearly annoyed at the person I apparently looked like.

"Who?" I asked.

"Lenore. Your mother," Magenta explained.

"My mother? My mother is named Emily, not Lenore," I replied.

Magenta chucked darkly. "That's your legal guardian's name. You're adopted."

I wasn't sure how to reply to this, so I just stared at her.

"Your real parents are the Master and his ex-love Lenore."


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS. Though I do own all this other madness.

* * *

I had no idea how to reply to such a statement. Off the top of my head I couldn't remember such a situation happening to any of my favorite characters. Since most people I know in real life aren't good role models, I usually think of what they would do in my place. That had always worked before. But now… I couldn't think of a single example of a character that suddenly found out that they were adopted and that their real father was a villain.*

So the three of us sat there in strange silence.

Nothing seemed too unbelievable at this point, so I asked a question that had been lurking in the back on my mind. "Are you a vampire?"

The pink-haired girl giggled an annoying giggle.

Magenta just rolled her eyes. "Of course I'm not."

More awkward silence.

"If you girls don't mind, I'm going to watch a bit of television," the pink haired girl said.

"What shows even play at this hour?" I asked. It had to be around 1 AM at that point.

"The most interesting show you'll find around her," the girl giggled, giving Magenta a look I couldn't decipher.

To my confusion, Magenta's reply was: "If they're still there."

The pink-haired girl turned on the television I'd been told to stay away from.

"What's g-"

"Shh! The show's begun!" the girl squealed.

And then I turned to look at the screen. There stood my (supposedly) prim-and-proper Aunt Janet… in just her underclothes. She appeared to be talking to a man I didn't know in a room I'd never seen.

"Turn up the volume, Columbia," Magenta said.

The pink-haired girl, who I now knew the name of, did so. Now we could here a rather… suggestive conversation between my Aunt and the man.

"Is this real?" I whispered, grinning somewhat evilly.

"Yeah. That's really your 'Auntie Janet' seducing that man."

"Oh my god… this is too funny!"

Columbia giggled. "Ooh, look at 'em now!"

So we watched this little show. Giggling (and mocking/mimicking the 'actors') ensued.

And I did end up kissing Magenta the not-vampire.

Somewhat to my disappointment, Columbia turned the television off annoyingly soon. She'd heard a knock at the door. It creaked open to reveal the butler in the hallway.

"The master wants us to prepare… dinner… now," he said slowly.

"May I bring this girl along?" Magenta asked as she got up from where she sat.

"No… the Master is up to something and we need to… plan," he replied.

"Fine, then."

As she left the room, Magenta glanced at Columbia for a moment. "Don't let her out of your sight, Laura Trent**. She needs to be kept away from _him_."

And then the maid left.

"Is your name 'Laura Trent' or 'Columbia'?" I asked her after a moment,

"Both. The first is my real name and the second is my nickname."

A dull silence fell upon us. Then, I remembered one of my favorite books.

"You haven't read _Carmilla_ , I presume?"

"Hmm?"

"It's a novella from 1872, by an Irish author named Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The title character is a vampire who preys upon attractive young women. It's historically significant because it's the first work of literature in English with obvious, er, lesbian themes," I explained.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked, giggling (presumably because of the apparent randomness of what I said)

"Nothing, save for the fact that Laura is the name of the protagonist. And it takes place in a castle like this one."

"You read a lot, don't you?" she said.

I nodded. "Yes, quite a bit."

"One of the few things in my life I regret was leaving school in my last year. That was four years ago… I think. You know that talent show that the town does every August? Frankie- that is, 'The Master'- saw me tap dance there. He invited me to dinner that evening… then the next evening… then I stopped going home one week. Now I feel like I can't leave…"

"Do you want be to be your teacher or something? Like Jane Austen was to, er, Adelaide?"***

She giggled. "You're funny, kid."

Before I could reply, the butler returned to the room. "The Master has called you all to… dinner."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * The Rocky Horror Picture Show and, consequently, this fanfiction take place in November 1974. Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back came out in 1980. Therefore, this character could not have ever seen the famous 'No, I am your father' (better known as 'Luke, I am your father') scene unless they had a time machine.
> 
> **'Little' Nell Trent is the main character from Charles Dickens' novel The Old Curiosity Shop. The actress who plays 'Columbia' in The Rocky Horror Picture Show is, as you probably know, called 'Little Nell' in the credits. On her IMDb (Internet Movie Database) profile it says her real name is 'Laura Campbell'.
> 
> *** The title character of Charlotte Bronte's novel Jane Eyre is a governess to a girl named Adele at one point in the story. In an attempt to sound smart Fay tries to reference this. Since the only classic literature she reads is Speculative Fiction, she gets confused about the names.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS, but I do own pretty much everything else here.

* * *

The dining room looked very strange. Dimly lit and gothic, reminding me of a certain 1930s Universal Studios film.

Only as I began to look around at the other people in the room did I remember why'd I'd been in Magenta's room in the first place. I'd been avoiding the villainous owner of the house. And now…

"Who are you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Er… I'm Miss Mina Harker and I'm here because... vampires and stuff."

I was too tired to think properly by then.

Unfortunately, Aunt Janet noticed me. "Oh! I told you to stop with the storytelling. My dear sister- _your_ mother- never liked those dreadful novels. And lying is wrong in the first place, you know."

I almost laughed at the hypocrisy of it all. There she sat in her underclothes – having just screwed two different persons she hardly knew- and lectured me on morals. Her fiancé also sat at the table, though he didn't say anything. He looked strangely nervous.

"Tell me, darling, what's your real name?" The Master asked.

I didn't answer. From what I could figure, him finding out my name would make it much easier for him to figure out who I was.

"Her name is Fay Gallagher," my aunt explained.

"What a lovely name! Do sit down, darling," he said.

After looking at the people sitting at the table, I began to slowly back away, heading toward the door. Besides my aunt and her fiancé, at the table sat: the man I'd seen on the television, a very confused looking college professor in a wheelchair, and the British man in drag.

Before I could manage to leave the room, Magenta and Riffraff entered. Together they carried a tray with what appeared to be cooked pork. Something seemed… wrong with it.

I sat down in the corner of the room and watched them eat.

The food proved distraction enough for me to sneak away… or so I thought. When the Master held up the knife he'd been cutting up food with and looked in my direction, I quickly gave up the plan.

Suddenly, the professor spoke. "I came here looking for my nephew Eddie, yet nobody is answering my questions about him. Vhere is he?

"Eddie?" said Columbia, looking _very_ worried.

"That's a rather tender subject," the drag queen said, grinning like a maniacal Cheshire cat. "Another slice, anyone?"

Something about that seemed to bother everyone. After a moment, I realized the implication… the pork they'd been eating was actually this person named Eddie butchered and cooked into a civilized looking dinner.

With a shriek, Columbia left the room. I heard her hysterical sobs as she ran down the hall.

The room fell into silence.

The professor spoke first. "Oh, vell. Vho cares about ze boy? He rode a motorcycle und vore a leather jacket und listened to Rock n'Roll music. Vhat sort of person does zat?"

"Almost as bad a science fiction fan," Aunt Janet agreed.

This sickened me. They'd presumably just eaten a murdered man's corpse and now they were complaining like this?

As I listened to the professor go on and on, I wondered how much of it as true. Some of it must've been an exaggeration. The person he spoke of sounded like the main character from _Rebel Without a Cause_ (a movie I'd been inexplicably forced to watch in an anti-'peer pressure' class at school*) in quite a few ways.

Having never heard of him before, I began to wonder what relevance this 'Eddie' had to everyone who wasn't the college professor. So I asked the people at the table.

Magenta began to reply. "He's Columbia's ex-boyfriend, the Master's ex-lover-"

She was cut off by no other than the very drag queen Magenta had just mentioned quickly pulling the tablecloth off the glass dinner table to reveal a hideously mauled corpse below it. A chunk the exact size of the pork roast had been cut from his leg. It wasn't pork... it was that poor, dead greaser delinquent!

Cannibalism!

Aunt Janet let out a shriek of terror… and ran to the arms of that guy I'd seen her with earlier.

" _What_? Rocky!" the Master yelled, his eyes aflame with fury.

" _What_? Janet!" Brad shouted at the exact same time as the other man.

Everyone (save for I) started shouting chaotically. So chaotically, in fact, that I could hardly understand a word of it. I would've probably begun screeching too if I weren't so tired. What time was it _now_?

Much to my confusion, the Master chased Aunt Janet out of the room. After a moment everyone else followed. Baffled out of my mind, I walked with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * In Rebel Without a Cause, the protagonist (a teenager named Jim Stark) is pressured into a 'chickie run' in which the other participant (the film's villain) dies by falling off a cliff in a car. Jim understandably freaks out. This film is famously an inspiration for many rebel teenagers in the '50s. When I saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show I saw Eddie as that sort of teenager.


	6. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS, but I do own pretty much everything else here.

I didn't enter the room with everyone else, however. Thanks to being short and _not_ wearing heels, nobody noticed me anyway. As everyone else ran into the lab I stood just outside its door and watched. Aunt Janet, Brad, and funny-professor-guy were currently glued to the floor. Magenta was laughing weirdly.

And, to my horror, I wasn't horrified or saddened.

Even a (supposedly) sane Science Fiction fan should feel bad for people clearly panicking. It seemed extremely funny. _Those stupid little earthlings_ …

Earthlings? Since when did I think/talk like that? Okay, I sometimes jokily call people terrans* or earthlings… but never so seriously. Until now.

Maybe I'm just that tired…?

I soon realized that I'd been so caught up in my own stupid little internal conflict that I'd missed those pathetic humans being turned into strange statues somewhat akin to those Ancient Greek statues.

With a slightly deranged laugh I stared at my aunt and her fiancé. They looked so funny. I wondered if they could still hear or see. Ooh, wouldn't that be dreadful for 'em! Ha!

Then, the Master shouted something about something entitled the floorshow. I didn't have the slightest idea what it could be.

_That crossdressing burlesque act never gets old..._

Where on Earth did _that_ come from? I'd just randomly remembered something that I didn't know… if that makes sense. Which it doesn't.

_Of course it makes sense! By every God or Goddess, did those horrid humans fail so drastically in raising you?_

I the realized I was having a conversation in my head with someone I probably didn't know. Judging by the voice, this person was male.

Telekinesis, bizarre accent… Maybe the person was a vampire?

_Of course I'm not a vampire! Darling, do you really not recognize my voice? Though it makes some sense if you don't We only met a little while ago._

'Why are you in my head?' I asked- well, thought. It made no sense!

_I know I'm going to die in less than an hour. It's probably going to be murder, in fact! So I plan to transfer as much of my conscious as possible._

That sounded somewhat like a Vulcan Mind-Meld**. Except Vulcan Mind-Meld's requires close contact.

_I may be from outer space, but I am not Spock. This isn't a Vulcan Mind-Meld because Vulcans are fictional. It's not the same, so that is quite irrelevant. We're going to sing and dance in a crossdressing burlesque act while you wait backstage._

I couldn't help but wonder whether the murder could be stopped.

_No. It can't. I know that. An hour before a person of my planet is going to die we can sometimes mentally converse with the nearest blood relative. When this happens, the death can't be prevented._

How terribly inconvenient! I'd been plotting to save the poor man's life after hearing all this. Suddenly, I began to wonder how much of my thoughts the person could… read.

_I can read way too much. Though I agree that Magenta the domestic is highly attractive. I can't help wonder if it's genetics. A man and daughter liking the same gorgeous woman is probably quite common._

Wait- my _father_? From what I knew of the man that was probably my biological father, I nearly hated him. But didn't he have a British accent? The voice in my mind didn't have a British accent.

_I like British accents, so I taught myself to speak with one. Sadly, people on my home planet aren't British. When I think, I think in my natural accent. It's so annoying!_

This guy was weird. Coming from the girl who went to school dressed as a Klingon for Halloween one year, that really means something.

_Why would you do such a thing?_

I began to wish he couldn't hear my thoughts.

_Luckily for you, I'm about to go on stage. That means we aren't going to 'talk' again until I'm almost dead._

Suddenly, I realized that I stood in a room filled with random props and bits of costumes. Feather boas and similar things. But how did I get here?

_I'm also able to control your body while we talk. Thanks to the distraction of our conversation, I managed to get you to walk all the way to where you are now. Fun, isn't it?_

In my opinion, it wasn't fun at all. It was downright creepy. I sat down on the hardwood floor and listened to the Broadway-esque music playing somewhere nearby.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * 'Terran' is a synonym for 'earthling' used in some Science Fiction. A notable example is the 'Terran Empire' from Star Trek. That's a tyrannical government that rules parallel universe version of Earth.
> 
> ** A 'Mind-Meld' is this thing where a Vulcan transfers important information- or his/her entire memory- into the brain of another being. To do this, the Vulcan must put their hands on the other person's face. It happens a few times in Star Trek: the Original Series. Dr. McCoy gets Spock's entire mind in one of the Star Trek:TOS movies (the one where Spock dies... but doesn't). Apparently it's awfully annoying (especially if the personalities are very different), which is why Fay isn't pleased to hear that a similar thing might happen to her.


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still, I don't own RHPS.

I barely heard the lyrics to the song that played. The boxes of props that surrounded me muffled the sound. Yet I managed to figure out who sang when. The girl with the squeaky voice and bright pink hair sang first. The man Aunt Janet now liked sang the next verse… then, a female voice I didn't recognize.

_That's your Auntie Janet. How different she is now!_

Why did his snobby voice have to invade my mind… again?

_Because I'm not on stage yet and I'm very bored._

If I were a less polite person, I decided, I would've told him to 'sod off'.

_Thinking such a thing is basically the exact thing as saying it in this case._

That bastard.

_Technically speaking, you're the bastard. You being illegitimate and all that jazz. I never married Lenore, you know. Our relationship was much less formal. In fact, the last thing I ever told her was to name our bastard child after Fay Wray._

I couldn't believe I was related to such a monster. The only traits I'd inherited appeared to be a fascination with Science Fiction films and a love for gothic literature. Though he'd never mentioned the latter, I could see it in his taste for interior decorations.

_You've also inherited some traits indigenous to my beloved planet. Just ask Magenta and Riffraff after they've murdered me._

What a weirdo! Talking about how his servants are going to kill him.

_Well… they are. It can't be avoided. But it doesn't matter right now. I'm about to make my dramatic entrance! Since I'm the most talented and wonderful part of the show, I've got to perform now!_

I rolled my eyes.

Sitting here was too boring, I decided. So I looked for the doorway I'd entered through. I found it quite quickly.

And walked right through it.

Much to my annoyance, I found myself in a cluttered hallway. It seemed like half the house consisted of cluttered hallways. How'd I walked through all of this in a trance-like state? I could barely navigate it while perfectly focused!

For some time I managed to navigate by following the sound of everyone singing. That still took quite a while. And then the music turned off! By the time I'd finally found a doorway to the theater, the singing had stopped quite a while ago.

I silently stood in a doorway near the back of the theater and stared at the not-too-far-away stage. Everyone must've gone swimming or something, seeing as their costumes were drenched and their makeup smeared horridly.

Then, through a door much nearer to the stage, two more people entered. It took me a moment to realize they were Magenta and Riffraff because of the clothes they wore. Those outfits looked like a combination of stereotypical alien costumes (mainly because of the shiny fabric) and stripper clothes. To make matters weirder, Magenta wore her hair in a style nearly identical to that of the title character in _Bride of Frankenstein_ (from 1935).

Though I couldn't exactly hear anything anyone said, I quickly realized that the extraterrestrial that was my biological father was about to be murdered. Riffraff held a bizarre pitchfork-shaped laser gun in his hand.

I watched in blank horror as the servants murdered my father. That funny blonde man Aunt Janet liked also got killed, but I didn't really care.

Yet, was it really bad?

My father was clearly a cruel tyrant. The servants (well, mostly just Magenta) had been extremely kind to me. I began to cry as I ran toward the stage and father's corpse.

Suddenly, I collapsed. It wasn't from the exhaustion of staying up way to late at night. I could suddenly see memories… events… faces…

All things I'd never seen.

I blacked out at that point.

All things I'd never seen.

I blacked out at that point.

A little while later I awoke to find myself lying in an unfamiliar bed. A woman in a plain black dress sat beside me looking very worried. It was Magenta the maid.

"What's going on?" I muttered.

She suddenly smiled. "Oh! You're awake!"

"What's going on?" I repeated, now a bit annoyed.

"Well, we're going back home now. The mission failed. We'll just report to the Queen's palace for a short meeting and then live as civilians for a few years while waiting for a new assignment."

"Do you mean Queen Elizabeth?" I asked.

To my confusion, she burst out laughing. "Don't be silly! I mean Queen Aranithil*, ruler of the Transylvanian Galactic Empire."

I still had no idea who that was, but I didn't say anything else out loud.

_I'm sure you'll love meeting the Queen. She's your granny, though she doesn't know it. For everyone's sake let's keep her from finding out you exist._

Oh my god. Father hadn't just transferred a memory or two… he'd become some sort of ghost that haunted my brain or whatever.

_It's terrible that I've missed out on sixteen years of parenting. Now I can give you all sorts of advice all the time. 'Living' in your mind will be so much fun!_

"It'll be about a week before we get to the planet. So, Riffraff and I are going to pick out some games to play and films to watch. Do you want to help us?" Magenta asked.

I'd been so busy mentally conversing with my late father that I'd nearly forgotten about her!

"Yes, I'd like to help," I replied.

As I began to get out of bed, I realized I wore pajamas that weren't mine. They were bright pink with white polka dots. How horrible!

_Those are Columbia's old pajamas. Funny, aren't they? It makes sense, since you were just sleeping in her bed._

Rolling my eyes, I followed Magenta out of the bedroom and into a funny little conference room of sorts.

To my confusion, a large cardboard box sat in the middle of the table. After Magenta and I had entered the room, Riffraff opened the box and took out a rectangle made of plastic. Apparently, it was the storage case of a strange plastic disc thingy.

"This," he explained, "is a called DVD**. In the future your world watches films on these. Thanks to a special sort of time travel, we've obtained many of these during our stay on your boring planet. We can watch a variety of films on our weeklong journey. Then, we can present this technology to the Queen Aranithil."

I couldn't help but wonder how they time traveled.

_By dancing. It's just a jump to the left, after all…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * That name is derived from Sindarin, a fictional language invented by JRR Tolkien for the Elves to speak in his book The Lord of the Rings. 'Aran' means noble and 'ithil' means 'full moon'. I thought it made sense because, in most RHPS fanfiction, it's nearly always nighttime the planet many of the characters are from.
> 
> ** They didn't have DVDs in 1974 (which is when this Fanfiction takes place).


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS. 
> 
> By the way, I've decided to not edit any part of this story (even the weird footnotes) because it's sort of 'special' and I want to leave it the way it was when I wrote it. The only thing that's truly a problem is the fact that I spell 'Riff Raff' as 'Riffraff'. I don't know why I did that.

Riffraff and Magenta had chosen a wide variety of movies, yet none were Science Fiction.

_Probably because I liked Science Fiction. And they want to forget I ever existed!_

Soon I decided this might been a good thing. If I haven't seen a movie I'm less likely to get bored of it halfway through watching. After looking through the box for a while I realized that some of the movies were from the future! One entitled _Clue_ (from 1985!) looked funny. As did _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_.

But then I saw a film called _Guys and Dolls._ It wasn't from the future and it looked like the cute sort of movie you watch with your girlfriend. The sort of innocent movie I wanted to watch with Magenta as a date.

_You know, she's already having an affair with her brother. He would be very jealous of you... he might even kill you with an evil laser gun like he did to poor old me!_

I would watch that romantic movie with her- despite any objections Father had!

"Let's watch this," I said, holding up the case.

Magenta smiled cheerfully. "That sounds like a good idea. Right, Riffraff?"

"That's the film genre … I told you I wouldn't… watch. Musical are... dreadful," he grumbled.

"Aw, it'll be fun!" I replied.

And so we began watching that movie hardly half an hour later. Around dinnertime. Apparently I'd slept nearly the entire day.

The castle's living room had a television in it, along with a comfortable couch and a coffee table. The there of us sat on the couch to watch. To my annoyance, Riffraff sat between Magenta and I.

About 30 minutes into the film Riffraff left the room. He needed to prepare dinner (or so he claimed).

"I think he just hates musicals," Magenta said with a laugh.

With Riffraff out of the room, I moved over and snuggled against Magenta. She seemed mildly amused by this and made no comment. Oh, well…

_She'll never like you back or anything. I've tried and failed at seducing her many times. Might as well give up._

As if trying to prove him wrong I moved even closer to her. Now she couldn't ignore me! I wrapped my arms around her.

"What do you want?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm sure you know," I replied.

She rolled her eyes. "In case you haven't noticed, we're sitting on a couch in a room which my brother might return to any minute now. Anyway, you're a teenager who knows nothing about… certain things."

" _You_ are no fun," I said, pouting.

"We'll talk about this later, Fay."

_I told you! She's extremely cold-hearted. You'll never get even the slightest kiss out of her!_

Suddenly, I thought of an idea. In the movie we were currently watching, this guy named Nathan Detroit bets his rival/friend Sky Masterson that he can't get a certain girl to go on a date with him to a place called Havana*.

I wondered if Father would enter into a similar bet. If I managed to actually have sex with Magenta, he would stop haunting my mind like some sort of deranged ghost.

_And if you don't?_

He'll get to keep making sarcastic comments in my mind. Either way he'd be entertained for a while.

_You're right, watching you attempt to win this bet will be quite amusing._

When Riffraff later returned to the room with dinner (which inexplicitly was smoked salmon on crackers), I'd already moved back to where I'd sat before.

I hardly paid attention to the film we watched as I plotted a way to win the bet.

Lucky old Sky Masterson, the fictional gambler, had bet to 'seduce' a very naïve young woman. It only took two scenes to get her so drunk she was fighting/dancing in one of those strange choreographed Broadway fight scenes… and threatening to kiss him.

Thanks to my boring upbringing, I knew nothing about the potency of various alcoholic drinks or anything. And in Science Fiction the never drink alcohol**. Copying the same ideas from a movie we were both watching wouldn't be a good idea, anyway...

_If you want my opinion, just sneak into her room at night pretending to be her brother. That worked for your Aunt Janet._

I would never do such a thing. How dreadful! Wasn't the fact that my mind was being haunted (for lack of saner word) by my recently murdered father bad enough without him telling me how to 'seduce' somebody by the most creepy means possible?

This made me very glad earthlings had raised me.

_Why? You would've been used to me saying this sort of thing if you'd lived with me your whole life! I never did understand why Lenore left._

At that point I remembered that Magenta had wanted to keep me away from my father in the hope he wouldn't know I existed.

_She probably thought if I met you I'd turn you over to my mother. But even I'm not that cruel! Queen Aranithil is a horrible person._

Then something finally registered in my mind: I'm the princess of a place I've never seen.

_Of course you are the princess. But you've not the heir since you're illegitimate. If my brother and nephew die, then you'll be the ruler. But I'd advise against even meeting them. It's a good thing you look like your mother._

Things were getting more and more complicated.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * Guys and Dolls was made in 1955. In those days people could still go to Havana, Cuba. All the crazy stuff that forced Americans (among other people) to leave began in about 1958.
> 
> ** In Star Trek they drink this stuff that's basically an alcoholic beverage... with the alcohol removed. Sythehol, it's called. So nobody gets drunk. When the crew of the Enterprise-D goes back in time (in the moviee Star Trek: First Contact) Counselor Troi gets really drunk by accident. Fay is supposed to be like that, in a way. She understands the basic concepts of alcohol and sex (and many other things) but still doesn't really get it.


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

* * *

I sat on a chair the room Magenta and Columbia used to share. The former sat on her bed and cheerfully read a fashion magazine… while the latter currently lay on the table in a makeshift morgue in the basement.

That night I was going to sleep in Columbia's bed. To my embarrassment, I wasn't saddened by her murder. Even though I'd wanted to teach her all about historical literature and everything… I was now unable to care about the silly earthling.

_Lovely, isn't it? My opinions are now influencing the way you think!_

Why couldn't he shut up!

"Why can't who shut up?" Magenta asked, looking up from the magazine.

Had I really been thinking out loud? Oh well…

"Is it true that, when an alien of your galaxy dies, their ghost or whatever can, er… haunt a family members mind?"

"I've heard stories about that happening. Why?"

"My father's ghost's voice is constantly making sarcastic remarks in my mind. I'm pretty sure I'm not just crazy, because he told me all about the Queen being my grandmother and some other stuff I knew nothing about."

"We _really_ need to teach you about Transylvanian society starting first thing tomorrow. I'm sorry to say we probably won't watch any more movies for a while we'll be so busy. Each of the planets has its own variation on manners and everything. Not to mention politics and political correctness. We need you to fit in well enough to not attract suspicion," she explained.

Moments later, Magenta turned the lights out. Then the both of us went to sleep. I was still tired from staying up all night the day before.

The next day I awoke far too early for my liking. That was the day Magenta figured out that shining a flashlight in my face wakes me up very quickly. If I weren't so focused on winning the bet, I would've yelled at her about it.

"We need to start working on teaching you how to blend in on the three main planets," Magenta said, as we breakfasted on smoked salmon and crackers.

"And… we've only got a week before we get there," Riffraff added unhappily.

"Are things really that different from Earth?" I asked.

_"Very_ different. For one thing, the fashion in our galaxy is nothing like Earth's fashion. You're going to have to borrow some of my clothes," Magenta explained.

"That's nice of you," I said after a moment.

"Don't flatter yourself. My sister and I just don't want trouble," Riffraff replied sullenly.

His sister continued where he left off. "Leaving you on Earth means that some of Queen Aranithil's other missions might find out about you and start a nasty war with your planet… especially since that professor knows about us.

"If you go with us we can pretend you're just an ordinary young person hoping for a job with us. The nobility sometimes has servants, so it's not much of a stretch. The only clever thing your late father ever did was tell Lenore to name you 'Fay'. Every member of the royal family is named something in the old language* the capital planet spoke centuries ago. Your father knew that all to well, since his name was 'Limhenloth'."

"Do you know what that means?" I asked.

Magenta chuckled. "We all learn that language in school. Though I've forgotten most of those lessons, I _do_ remember that 'lim' means fish, 'hen' means eye, and 'loth; means flower."

I burst out laughing at that.

_Now you see why I went by that bizarre nickname. Anything is better than my real name. My mother was drunk when she gave birth to me, I'm sure. Why else would she name me something so awful?_

"Between your normal name and the fact that you look nothing like the royal family I'm pretty sure we can pretend that you're just a girl we hired as a servant of some kind," Magenta said.

"But we still need to teach her about our culture and everything. Otherwise we're all in terrible trouble," Riffraff reminded her.

"After breakfast we'll begin," Magenta said after a moment.

And so we finished eating the smoked salmon in silence. I kept wondering why we'd been eating that. It seemed quite random.

_It's the only earthling food Riffraff could find that wouldn't get stale too quickly._

Bur why not anything canned?

_Do you really call that sort of stuff 'food'?_

After breakfast, Magenta began telling me about the three inhabited planets.

"The planet with the most citizens is Elgardh. Our capital city is technically Elcaras; though the royal family and many nobles live in the huge palace-slash-city know as Arancaras. Do you understand everything so far?"

I nodded.

"Good. You'll be living in the Quinn family quarters of Arancaras for most of your time there."

"Who are the 'Quinn family'?"

Riffraff smirked. "Magenta and I are the children of Viscount Quinn and his late wife."

_I felt rather stupid. How did I not know my own host's last name?_

Thankfully, Magenta distracted me by continuing to explain. "The other two planets are Thavongardh and Taurgardh. The former is an industrial planet full of mines. Most working-class people live there. The other planet is a wild place with all our empire's farms."

And so, my hosts continued to teach me the basics of Transylvania's geography (for lack of better term), humanoid-made things (mostly the cities), and politics.

The most interesting thing I learned was that, since Elgardh is very close to that solar system's sun, people only live on the side that faces away from the sun. That planet's moon reflects enough light for citizens to survive.**

Only as I began to fall asleep did I realize I'd forgotten about my plot to politely seduce Magenta. Oh _dear_.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * The 'old language' is represented by Sindarin, one of those weird languages JRR Tolkien made up for Middle-earth's elves to speak in The Lord of the Rings. It's easy to find fan-compiled dictionaries of it online and I wanted to use words with some kind of meaning for the character and/or names. Hopefully that isn't too strange. 
> 
> ** That paragraph (and a few things here and there in this story) was quite scientifically inaccurate. If a planet is that close to it's sun, it's too hot for life to survive. Yet many of the futuristic stuff in The Rocky Horror Picture Show is also knowingly scientifically inaccurate. Hey, they call it Science Fiction for a reason! Then again, that stuff called 'Hard SF' is 100% scientific theories. But this is definitely 'Soft SF' (a genre that sometimes goes so far as to include... dragons).


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

That week on the ship went by far too quickly. Each day I made much progress on acting like an ordinary citizen of the Transylvanian Empire... but no progress on winning the bet.

On the last day of our journey I constantly worried about what to do. Either her brother was in the room or she was in bed asleep...

_Her being asleep is the silliest excuse I've ever heard! Why, that's the perfect time to seduce someone. If you wake them up and they're still half asleep, then they're less likely to move away when you passionately kiss them._

What a creep my father was! My earthling family spent years programming the concept of respectable morals into my mind. I was having trouble deleting it.

_Morals are an entirely different subject. I think you mean that planet-wide cultural taboo against having sex for reasons other than children._

Why did my father have to be so blunt about such subjects?

_Because there's nothing wrong with it. You should know that by now. Oh, I can't believe you're still 'innocent'. Like 'Auntie Janet' was before that lovely evening. My own daughter!_

Weirdo. On earth, people don't encourage their kids to do that sort of thing.

_You should know by now that earthlings are boring little creatures with no sense of fashion. Very few of them have good taste in anything, in fact. Why do you even think of their primitive customs?_

Did he not remember I'd lived there for all my life, except for the last week?

_Time works differently when you're dead. It's very boring. The last week has seemed like a century!_

I rolled my eyes and went back to the paper I was supposed to memorize. It was some sort of fake passport. I'd needed a last name and 'Gallagher' sounded too much like an earthling name, so I was now called 'Fay Morbius'.*

The papers claimed, among other things, that I was an orphan. I'd left the orphanage worked as a maid for Lady Magenta Quinn. Then, I'd gone with them to earth and worked as a servant there.

Apparently my uniform is Magenta's awesome maid outfit.

_Speaking of Magenta, I think I've won the bet. The ship lands in about 5 hours and she's busy copiloting right now. There's no way she'll have time to even speak to you._

To my annoyance, he was right. I'd lost.

Yet, the more I thought about it, I realized something. Even just kissing her would be wrong. Hurting her relationship with Riffraff… that's just cruel.

_Half the reason I agreed to the bet was a bit of revenge for my murder. Though at least I died honorably._

How is being shot while trying to get away honorable?

_In the Transylvanian Empire everyone loves scandal. Royal people poison or stab each other all the time. It's a cultural thing, you see. Murder is allowed if it's really dramatic. Dying in such a way is considered stylish._

That place kept sounding weirder and weirder.

Yet now I realized why Magenta and Riffraff wanted to keep me away from the queen. I might get caught up in a complicated plot to overthrow her. I might even end up a puppet for a political group, since I still knew nearly nothing about the Empire's government and politics.

And so, I spent the next few hours memorizing all that needed memorizing.

By the time Magenta summoned me to do her makeup, I'd memorized the entire life of 'Fay Morbius'.

"Just normal, everyday makeup?" I asked.

She nodded.

One of my lessons had been in makeup application. At court fashion mattered very much. So, the woman always wore it.

_Some of the men do, too!_

Extremely pale foundation, dark eye makeup (mascara, eyeliner, etc.), and dark red lipstick. The lipstick was most important. Only nobility wore that certain shade, though. Those who weren't of noble blood couldn't by law.**

The servants of the nobility and upper-middle-class wore a brighter red. A sort of color sometimes called 'cherry red'. Right after I'd finished doing her makeup, I did my own. Her hair was already styled in that 'Bride of Frankenstein' style that was apparently in fashion.

Both of us were ready.

At this moment, I decided to kiss her. She looked so lovely right now! I moved closer to her and-

"We'll be landing in about 15 minutes," Riffraff's voice said over the loud speaker.

I moved away from and then left the room.

_I knew you wouldn't do it, you little coward._

Ignoring my father's taunting, I went to the room I share with Magenta and began to gather the suitcases she'd packed. Most of the room's furnishings were staying her on the Quinn Family ship. But all the personal belongings were now in boxes.

Including mine.

It was then that I began to miss my old life on earth… especially the books. I'd learned of other trips to earth made by people of the Transylvanian Empire. Maybe I could buy copies of my favorite books? Or movies, for Riffraff's DVD player?

What an odd form of homesickness!

Thankfully, I was soon distracted by the fact that we'd just landed on the planet, just outside Arancaras.

Princess Beinmeril and her son Celebglinn were apparently waiting to greet us.

_Oh, dear… you're going to have to meet dreadful old Meri!_

Meri?

_That's her nickname. Though if you call her that, you might get beheaded._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * 'Morbius' is the last name of the character Anne Francis plays in Forbidden Planet (her full name being 'Altaira Morbius'). The fact the Forbidden Planet is basically on the Tempest (by William Shakespeare) in space foreshadows some future ideas borrowed from Shakespeare.
> 
> ** Laws about fashion have existed on Earth through the ages. In the 13th century, for example, peasants were by law required to wear certain clothes. The different social classes all had restrictions. You could be fined for wearing the wrong clothes.


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

The moment I stepped out of the castle/spaceship I noticed the moon. A silvery crescent in the sky that was partially obscured by clouds apparently lit this entire planet. It was much less bright than earth's sun, and would take time getting used to. It was much less bright than earth's sun, and would take time getting used to.

Moments later, we were greeted by the princess and her son.

The princess was a woman with dark hair not unlike Father's. She wore a black corset adorned with crystals and lace. She also wore an elaborately ornamented black skirt that hardly reached her knees in the front, but bustled in the back and trailed behind her. Around her neck she wore a necklace with a white rosette attached. The stark white of her skin looked slightly unsettling against the dark clothes. The Cheshire cat smile upon her blood red lips only made her more frightening.*

Her son, on the hand, wore a similar (alibi less over-the-top) ensemble. A black waistcoat with silver buttons; a black jacket with silver trim around the cuffs and collar; black trousers, and plain black boots. He wore some pale makeup and a solemn expression upon his face.

I wondered if they were in mourning.

The palace itself looked like a picture I'd once seen of Versailles. A palace that glittered in the limited light. Yet, unlike the so-called Sun King's golden palace, it shone with silver.

After Lord and Lady Quinn (as I was now forced to call Riffraff and Magenta) properly greeted the princess and her son we walked through the front gates. To keep commoners out, nobody was allowed to land a spaceship inside the palace itself (even in the gardens).

We walked into the main building and through a grand atrium. Many extravagantly dressed courtiers stood nearby. A young woman in a sweeping dark purple dress trimmed with grey lace walked over to them.

"The Queen wishes to see you in conference room three, Lord Quinn," she explained with a curtsy.

"Thank you, Lady Flora." He followed her out of the room.

I went with Lady Quinn to her family's apartment, carrying her suitcase. The apartment turned out to be three bedrooms, two bathrooms, one sitting room, a small dining room, and two servant's bedrooms. It was all decorated in the same gothic manner as their castle/spaceship.

Lady Quinn sat down on one of the couches in the sitting room. "Now, leave my suitcase in my room. I'll have you unpack it later."

"Yes, m'lady."

I did just that, then reported back to the sitting room.

"My father, the elder Lord Quinn, should be home soon. I'm going to go change into eveningwear so we can go to dinner. You will greet him and give him this note."

She stood up and handed me a folded paper.

"Yes, m'lady."

And then she left the room. Judging by the smirk on her face, she was enjoying having someone to boss around.

_Not just anyone! The daughter of a man who bossed her around for a while. Though I actually had the right, you know. She doesn't!_

And then she left the room. I decide that I liked her better before she went back to being 'Lady Quinn'.

I wasn't sure what to do then. So, I just stood near the door and tried to figure out how old everyone was. Lately, I'd been to busy to think about that very confusing question.

They'd been on earth about 5 years this last time, Riffraff once said. And father had gone once or twice before, including sometime about 17 years ago. And they all looked younger than 30… How old could they be, then?

_We live longer than humans. 200 years at least. You'll probably live that long, even though you're half human._

Like Spock! He was technically half-human, but acted like a Vulcan in every single way.

_You're nothing like Spock. For one thing, you are almost more human than alien. Also, you grew up on the Earth. Spock grew up on Vulcan._

Father didn't watch Star Trek... did he?

_No. Their boring military uniforms didn't give me any fashion inspiration and the stories were stupid. But I can see all your memories, so I know all you know about Star Trek._

He could see all my memories? How horribly embarrassing.

_Don't worry… I find it equally awful._

Our conversation then ended. After a while of standing there in terrible boredom, I began to wonder where 'the elder Lord Quinn' was. She said he'd be here any minute.

And then Riffraff/'the young Lord Quinn' walked through the door. The expression on his face told me that something was very wrong. Never before had I seen any emotion from him before… and now he looked devastated. I suddenly began to worry. What could be wrong?

"The elder Lord Quinn is dead. Fay, go get my sister. I've got to tell her before someone else does."

I did as I was told.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * The royal court (and it's fashion sense) is inspired by mainly three things: the most extreme aspects of 18th century French royal court, color schemes of Tim Burton films, and cabaret/burlesque shows.


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

After I told Lady Quinn that her brother wished to see her, she sent me to my room. She obviously didn't want me listening in on the 'important conversation'. I think she assumed I didn't know why he wanted to speak to her since I didn't tell her what was going on.

So I paced around the bedroom I'd been assigned to. The Quinn family apparently didn't have any other personal servants, so nobody lived in the other of the two rooms. I could hear Magenta crying in the other room. If only I could comfort her somehow.

She doesn't deserve it, you know.

Of course she didn't deserve such a tragedy. Her poor father dying right before they were about to be reunited? How terrible!

I meant she doesn't deserve your sympathy. She's a tyrant. Her brother is worse, though. Those two betrayed me and enslaved you.

They didn't enslave me. They're helping me hide from my apparently evil grandmother.

But they should've adopted you, not made you a servant. Magenta is clearly enjoying bossing you around.

Magenta wasn't hurting me in any way. Father just hated them because they'd killed him.

A perfectly logical reason to hate someone!

And then I heard a knock on the door of the servant's quarters. With a sigh, I left my room, walked down a short hallway, and then opened the door. There stood a young woman wearing an outfit similar to mine. She smiled the bright smile of a terminally cheerful person. It sort of hurt my eyes when compared to the stylized gloom around me.

"Hello," I said.

"Hello! My name is Violet, and I work for Lady Chapman."

"Do you have a message for Lord or Lady Quinn?"

"No… I'm here to invite you to a party some of the servants are having. The Queen gives the above-stairs servants of the three main noble families a party every once and a while. You're invited to the one this evening."

It explained that, at 7:00 this evening, a party would be hosted in a ballroom. The address was apparently 42 Douglas Hall.

The palace is basically a huge indoor city. That's like a street address.

For once I was glad that Father's ghost is around to answer questions.

You know, I should probably tell you about the families. It's all very complicated.

The Families?

There are three. Well, three you need to know about. They each have an important symbol. You mustn't wear white roses if you don't support the House of Langley, for one thing. The Queen is one of them. Magenta and Riffraff are of the Quinn family, which is represented a parrot.

A parrot?

It used to be something else, but when the last member of the House of Cleese married William Quinn they changed it. The last is Chapman. Their symbol is a snake. One of my dearest friends was of the Chapman family. He died about 20 years ago, sadly. And we never did find his pet fish.

I didn't understand the relevance of that specific person or... fish.

Fine. But the important thing is that nobody likes the Langley family. There's a revolution stirring up and all that. You could destroy everything if we aren't careful.

The whole point of me pretending to be a servant was to avoid getting mixed up in politics! Staying out of trouble, not causing it.

We're going to find a way to stop any trouble that might be up. If someone murders the queen and the princess, things might work. The prince has the sense to abdicate.

I'm not killing anyone.

Someone's always plotting to kill them, anyway. When a royal is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life*.

Why does it have to be me? It always sounded fun to be in an adventure story, but now I just want a bit of quiet. I couldn't help but think of Arthur Dent, the main character of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He was forced on an adventure and never got around to going home. And the green bug eyed monsters never had any tea.

That was one of the movies from the future that Riffraff had in that box of DVDs. It was the only Science Fiction one… and it wasn't even really a movie! It was a badly done television miniseries.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> *In a 3-hour television special based on Terry Pratchett's novel The Colour of Magic, an evil wizard (played by Tim Curry) says: "When a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life" at the funeral of one of the other wizards.
> 
> ** That's the BBC TV adaption from the 1980s. It's absolutely horrid. Zaphod Beeblebrox's second head is laughably fake, among other things. The reason I mentioned this version of the story is that it's more about Arthur Dent being out of place in space than some other adaptions are.
> 
> About the ;Houses' (out-of-universe notes):
> 
> Langley - it's named after the founder of England's House of York.
> 
> Chapman - named after Graham Chapman of Monty Python (hence the snake). The thing about the fish is a joke on the "Where is the Fish?" scene from Monty Python's the Meaning of Life.
> 
> Quinn - named, of course, after Patricia Quinn (who we all know played Magenta in RHPS). And the family who married into that family is named after John Cleese (another person from Monty Python).


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.   
> Though I half think I deserve to sort of own it, since I've written over 340,000 words about it in the last 9 months (just look up my fanfiction.net account, 'cececat'). Not that that's actually a lot.

* * *

Apparently the Queen had sent notes to nearly all people of the three main noble families, telling them to give their servants a few hours off for the party.

"It will keep you from… bothering my poor sister and I, at least," Riffraff said, now speaking in his usual deadpan manner.

This, I quickly realized, meant that he'd recovered.

_Aw, I like it when he's upset! It's funnier._

I then went back to my room to get dressed. I'd been sent a new dress for the event. Apparently I was required to wear a fancy outfit for any party I attended. Even though I'm a servant!

Fancy meant (in this case) an elaborate ensemble consisting of a dark gray pinstriped corset/bodice with lace trimming; a long-in-the-front/short-in-the-front black skirt bejeweled with glittery black sequins; fishnet stockings; and black high heel shoes.

Plus the usual makeup… deathly pale foundation, dark eyeliner, and cherry-red lipstick. I was extra careful with that, applying it after getting dressed. Wouldn't want to get any of it my lovely clothes!

The simple clock on my bedroom's wall now read 6:32.

I had almost no idea where 42 Douglas Hall was. So I left right then, in the hope I wouldn't get lost for too long, I left the Quinn family apartments.

_I can help you find your way, you know._

How nice of him!

_Ha! I didn't say I'd help. I just said I can._

That's cruel!

_Being dead is very boring. Seeing you look stupid is fun._

Rolling my eyes, I walked down the hallways for a while. The interior designer apparently loved Edgar Allan Poe. Just look at the cobwebby paintings and dark gray walls!

After quite a few minutes of aimless wandering I found myself at a corner. One hallway crossing through another. I then saw a 'street sign-esque' poster that read: 'Douglas Hall'.

Grinning to myself, I began walking down that hall. The many doors I wandered past had silver signs next to them. A number was engraved on each.

36… 37… 38… 39… 40… 41… 42!

_That was too easy. I'd hoped you'd get lost and make a fool of yourself._ Ignoring Father's childish words, I opened the door to find a bunch of people dressed in clothes similar to mine- equally ornate in design and the same color scheme.

I soon spotted Violet, talking to a young man in a suit reminiscent of the princess's son's (the difference being that this man's outfit was much fancier).

Since I didn't know anyone besides her, I quickly walked over to her.

"Hello," I said.

She smiled at me. "You're Lady Quinn's new maid, right? What's your name again?"

"Fay. That is, Fay Morbius."

"Lovely! This guy here is Cesario*. He too works for the Chapman family."

"Good to meet you, Fay," he said quietly, in a voice oddly high pitched for his age.

"Lovely to meet you, too," I replied politely.

We stood there in an awkward silence… then Violet spoke.

"I'll go tell the band it's almost time for the first Time Warp of the night."

"What's the 'first Time Warp'?" I asked without thinking.

He chuckled, yet didn't seem suspicious. "You're new to working here, aren't you?"

I nodded.

"Well, at every party ever hosted in the palace-city we dance the official dance of the Transylvanian Empire. It's a silly tradition."

"Oh."

We stood there for a while, again in silence.

"So… how long have you worked for Lord and Lady Quinn?" Cesario asked.

"A few weeks," I lied. "But I've only lived here for a few days."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you from that odd planet they went to? They just got back today… or so I heard."

"No. I used to work for other citizens of the, er, Empire who live there."

He could totally see through that lie…

Thankfully, the music then began. That distracted both of us.

The song was oddly addictive. I couldn't help but dance with everyone else. Sing and dance the Time Warp… over and over and over again…

Jumping to the left, then stepping to the right! With my hands on my hips… I brought my knees in tight… but the next part really drove me insane!

I did the time warp again and again...

After a while we all fell to the floor in exhaustion. The band had stopped playing and the enchantment had ended. Slowly, everyone got up. Some other song began to play. An _ordinary_ song. With a sigh, I wandered over to the part of the room with all the tables that were piled with food and drinks.

_Fun, isn't it? I always loved the national dance when I was younger. After a while I got bored of it, though. I went to too many parties in my youth._

Ignoring Father's haughty voice (I could practically hear him smirking), I began to look for a snack. The food looked similar to earthling cuisine. Lots of smoked salmon and crackers, for some reason.

_Riffraff brought a ridiculous amount of that home from Earth. I'll never know why._

I rolled my eyes and began piling my plate with the salmon. It looked much more familiar than other stuff. And it was the one thing I knew it was actually from Earth.

I rolled my eyes and began piling my plate with the salmon. It looked much more familiar than other stuff. Anyway, it was the one thing I knew it was actually from Earth.

And then I sat down in the corner of the room. Between the dim lighting and the fact that my dress blended in with the gothic décor, nobody noticed me. My old talent of blending in helped, too.

Soon enough I finished eating. Then, for the first time since I'd left Earth, I began telling stories in my mind.

And, strangely, it wasn't Speculative Fiction. It was historical fiction about the 19th century.

'Once upon a time, there lived a young woman named Mina. Despite her plain face and headstrong manner she believed herself better than many of her contemporaries. She was knowledgeable beyond her years. Yet who values such thing from a girl?

'For years she lived in an oppressed state. No way for her to show off her cleverness, nobody even approving of such a thing. Then one day she met people who appreciated her. Yet she still needed to prove herself. Their belief in her only went so far.

Then, one day-'

_That sounds like a metaphor for your life._

But it wasn't.

_Yes it is. I'm you Father so you must trust me and listen to everything I say._

Father died. Dead people aren't allowed to tell the living what to do.

_Says who?_

I spent the rest of the party mentally arguing with my Father's ghost. After that I went 'home' to the House of Quinn's servant's quarters.

How did 'home' go from meaning a respectable brick house in Denton, Ohio to a little bedroom in the lower levels of a huge palace… on a planet far from Earth?

_I don't think it did._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * I won't explain this name because it might give away a big spoiler. Of course, if you know the play Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare, you might've figured it out already.


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

A respectable woman in her late 20s stood on the front steps of a respectable house owned by a respectable older man in a respectable town in Ohio. Her reason for standing there was, indeed, also respectable. Or so she believed…

This woman's name was Janet Weiss. About a week before, she and her fiancé had gotten stranded in a bizarre castle. Strange things had happened. One of which was the disappearance of her 16-year-old niece.

Ah, let's save that little tale for another time… back to the woman standing on the front steps.

After a moment she took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. She shivered as the chillness of the time of year (it was nearly December) began to get to her. Mercifully, the owner of the house soon opened the door.

"Miss Weiss. What are you doing here at this early hour?" he asked.

"I told you to stop calling me that, Granddaddy," she muttered, avoiding his questions.

With a chuckle, he showed her into the house.

"And I told you not to call me 'Granddaddy'," he said as they sat down in the study.

Well, he sat down. She just hovered by the doorway and stared at her feet.

"From your behavior I assume that you're here for reasons other than a cup of tea and out-of-town gossip. What's wrong, Janet?"

She didn't reply.

"Something is clearly going on. Did you get in an argument with that boyfriend of yours?" he asked kindly.

She shook her head.

"I'm sure you intend to tell me, seeing as you came here at 7:00 in the morning."

And then she began to cry messy, hysterical tears. Sobbing, she collapsed into an armchair and wept noisily.

"Oh! It was horrid! Murder, cannibalism, and a burlesque show. Why, I doubt I'll ever forget that _nightmare_ … and poor Fay disappeared."

"Fay?"

"My sister Emily's daughter. That horrid child who always read science fiction, don't you remember? Even that little fiend didn't deserve being kidnapped by aliens. We told Emily that the girl died in a car crash… oh! It's too terrible."

"I think I need you to explain in chronological order," he said.

And so she did.

Afterwards, he looked at her grimly. "Though I hate to admit it, I believe every word of that story. Even more horrible is the fact that I can't do anything about it."

"About what?" Janet whispered, her eyes still glistening with tears.

"Quite a few things. I can't bring Fay back from wherever she is, I can't eliminate the possibility of you having the baby of an alien…"

"Oh my! I'd forgotten that I could… oh, how terrible!"

After a moment, the older man spoke. "The best advice I can give for the time being is to marry your fiancé as soon as possible and try to forget that night."

"I will."

"If you need to talk or anything, just come on over. You can even bring your fiancé along."

For the first time in days, Janet smiled. "Thank you, Grandaddy."

He sighed. "Now, now. I'm _not_ your grandfather."

"You're my mother's godfather and Grandmother's lifelong best friend. And you became the closest thing Mother had to a father after her actual father died during the first war. Of _course_ I can call you 'Granddaddy'."

Sometimes he wished they hadn't lied about her actual grandfather's death. The man had died by accidentally overdosing on gin in 1912. Janet would've figured it out a long time ago if she was any good at math, since her mother was born in 1910, her grandfather died when her mother was 2, and the war began in 1914.

After a nice cup of tea and a bit of talk about her upcoming wedding (which would hopefully be right around Christmas), she left his house.

A good thing, too… as an advice giver for the whole town _and_ an amateur crime solver he often had work to do.

* * *

The day after the party I began to officially work for Lady Quinn. Apparently I was something called a 'Lady's Maid' to her. That phrase turned out to be a synonym for lady-in-waiting. I helped do her makeup and hair, delivered letters to other palace-dwellers…

I also had to deliver her breakfast to her room at exactly 10:30 some mornings. In fact, I did this on my first day. Lady Quinn had slept in and didn't feel like getting up.

She'd been crying, I realized.

For some reason I wanted to make it all better, comfort her. Yet I knew I'd get in trouble for that. The fact that I couldn't talk to a friend the way I used to bothered me.

_She's not a friend now, silly girl. She's your bossy, mean employer._

I felt like my bossy, mean Father was trying to brainwash me into hating Lord and Lady Quinn.

_They murdered me and I haven't forgiven them. I'll probably never forgive them!_

Just because Father will never forgive them doesn't mean I won't. Though what he said made perfect sense I ignored him. And I tried to be polite as possible to my employers.

Yes, he had a point. But I had work to do.

After I brought Lady Quinn her breakfast, I had to clean the main rooms of the Quinn Family apartments. Since they'd been away so long dust had gathered everywhere. I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, Lord Quinn smirking at me. Presumably he was enjoying watching me do all the boring work his sister had once done. Just because I'm the daughter of his ex-employer...

_That cruel monster!_

But it wasn't cruel. It was perfectly justified. I wouldn't let Father's petty grudge against his murders ruin everything. Especially since they'd helped me quite a bit. Technically, it was to avoid the death of the apparently controversial queen and her other heirs.


	15. 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

Weeks upon weeks passed.

I soon fell into a somewhat boring routine. I began my workday by bringing Lady Quinn Breakfast. Second, I helped Lady Quinn apply her makeup and get dressed in one of her complex outfits. The next few hours I spent cleaning. After that, I retrieved any mail Lord and Lady Quinn had received. Then, I brought them afternoon tea. And, last of all, I helped Lady Quinn take off all her makeup.

Nothing seemed so interesting anymore.

The magic of my adventure had worn off. So I began making up stories. They rarely involved spaceships these days. Now that such things were no longer fiction to me, I invented fairy tales. Stories of magic, damsels in distress, brave knights… and, of course, vampires. I would've found a way to publish them if I weren't avoiding standing out.

I couldn't wait for something to happen.

About three months after I'd gotten to the planet, things got a bit more exciting.

* * *

Janet and her fiancé did all they could to make life normal again. They used the wedding plans as a distraction from awful memories of that night at the castle- an event they never spoke of.

And so Miss Janet Weiss became Mrs. Majors on the day after Christmas, 1974. She wore a lovely white dress, which had originally belonged to her Mother. At the reception she waltzed first with Granddaddy and then with her husband Brad.

Everything seemed perfect and respectable.

By mid-January she'd nearly forgotten about the strange castle owned by the even stranger transvestite. Life went back to normal.

About two months after the wedding she realized she was pregnant.

This brought great joy to both of them. Now their lives were truly flawless, by their standards. They'd be a perfectly respectable married couple with a perfectly respectable baby living in a perfectly respectable house in a perfectly respectable town…

And then this dream of a wonderful future was shattered when Janet went to the doctor and learned something terrible.

She was three- not two- months pregnant. This news brought back the horrible memory of that night at the castle. The baby was either that of a crossdressing alien or a 'Frankenstein's Creature' built by said crossdressing alien.

They told nobody, save for Janet's 'Granddaddy'.

And so, that old amateur criminologist truly became an expert on the case of the disappearing castle. Where had the aliens gone? He searched everywhere for a way to help Janet, to bring her out of the depression she'd fallen into.

Did he find a solution? We shall see…

* * *

One seemingly ordinary afternoon Prince Celebglinn Langley himself showed up at the apartment.

"Do you wish me to fetch Lord or Lady Quinn?" I asked him.

"No. It's you I wish to speak with."

This surprised me. "Me? But, Your Highness-"

"It's my dreadful old mother who likes that sort of thing. I'd prefer if you use my nickname 'Glen'. Is that alright?"

"Well, if you'd really like my opinion… I'd be more comfortable with calling you 'sir, if I may," I replied awkwardly.

He laughed. "Maybe Mr. Langley? That's a bit of a compromise."

"Fine."

I then showed him in to the sitting room. After he'd sat down on one of the three couches, I walked over to the window and opened the shades. The moon let in enough light for me to be able to blow out the candles on the dramatic candelabra I carried.

It seemed a bit strange that a society capable of space travel would use something as old fashioned as candles for a primary source of lighting.

_It's a matter of style, you know._

With the room now suitably lit, I walked over to where the prince sat. He smiled politely at me. Then, he pointed to the couch opposite the one he sat at.

"Why don't you sit down, Fay?"

"Well, I'm not supposed to…"

"I'm the prince. That means I make the rules. Since I outrank Lord and Lady Quinn, I can override any orders they've given you."

_Clever boy really knows what he's doing. I wonder what he's up to?_

"So…" he said after a moment, "I bet your wondering why I'm here."

I nodded.

"Well, it's about my mother. I think she up to something. Actually, I always think she's up to something. But this time it's way worse. She's planning to kill someone."

"Who?"

"That's exactly the problem. I'm not sure! But I suspect it's either Lady Flora Chapman or the Queen herself."

"Er, Mr. Langley?" I said timidly, "What do I have to do with all this?"

"I want you to keep an eye on Lady Flora. I'll have Lady Quinn invite her for tea once or twice over the next few days. Then, I'll get her to hire you as a new lady-in-waiting. She's always been known for being a bit odd, so suddenly hiring a new servant won't make anyone suspicious. Once she's hired you, I'll have you write reports for me on any unusual behavior from people close to her. If my mother starts visiting her a lot warn me. Also, I'll get you a kit of stuff that you can use to test her food for poison.

"Do I get anything in return?" I asked.

"Maybe. What are you thinking of?"

"There are a few earthling books I liked when I lived there. Could you find a way to send me a copy of one or two?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Possibly. Which books?"

" _Carmilla_ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu or _2001: a Space Odyssey_ by Arthur C. Clarke _._ Preferably the former."

"I'll try to get those for you."

And then he left. After a moment I stood up and began pacing around the room. I wasn't sure whether to trust him or not.

_I think you should trust him. From what I remember, he's the only sane person in his family. And I've heard he really cares about Lady Flora._


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

A few days after her strange meeting with Prince Celebglinn, a young woman who I somehow recognized showed up for tea. Something about her I knew, but I wasn't sure what. Her face? Her voice?

And then I remembered a noblewoman named 'Lady Flora' who'd reminded Lord Quinn of his meeting with the queen.

The young woman standing before me was indeed that same Lady Flora. Yet I thought I'd seen her somewhere else. Or maybe it was her sister or brother I'd met? I wasn't sure.

I served the tea to the guest and Lady Quinn. With odd jealously I watched them eat the shortbread often served with this afternoon 'meal'. At moments like that I wished that I could tell everyone who I really was and get to do whatever I wanted- including eat any food I wished. But I'd have to be insane to do that… or, if I weren't already crazy, I'd loose my mind over the sudden power and wealth.

After Lady Flora had left, Lady Quinn began to ask me questions. It reminded me of something the British Comedy fan at my high school used to say... 'nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!'

"I know the prince is up to something. First he asks me to invite Lady Flora to tea and then she starts asking whether she can hire you as a lady-in-waiting. Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"M'lady, I-"

_Don't lie, that'll only make matters worse!_

"Yes, I do know what's going on."

"I suppose you've been sworn to secrecy."

"I'm sorry. He's got more political power than 'Fay Morbius the maid' _and_ the person I really am. I'm just afraid… I couldn't turn down his offer. But don't worry it doesn't involve you or your brother. I wouldn't let them hurt you or him."

_Aw, how ridiculously sentimental! I thought you'd gotten over your little crush._

"You may go back to dusting or whatever it is you usually do," Lady Quinn said.

After quickly curtsying, I went back to cleaning. Only a moment later did I remembered that she and Lord Quinn had been invited to a dinner party.

That meant I needed to help her get dressed.

Dust seemed to gather at a magical speed in this place. It always meant there was more work to do. The palace's interior design looked practically nice with it, however.

With a sigh, I put my feather duster back in its place in my closet of cleaning supplies. As I did this I remembered the first evening I'd met Magen- no, Lady Quinn. I suddenly remembered the first thing she said in my presence…

" _He's_ lucky… _You're_ lucky…. _I'm_ lucky… we're all lucky! Hahahaaa!"

The half forgotten memory of her saying that echoed in my mind.

It made me terribly sad. That lively, cheerful woman had turned into a cold-hearted aristocrat. Why couldn't she go back to being the person I'd first met?

Ignoring that selfish feeling of misery, I went up to her room.

I needed to help her dress for the dinner party she'd be attending. But I would try to avoid getting distracted by memories. Duty came before personal feelings.

_'Duty before personal feelings'? Magenta isn't the only one who's changed. Only a few months ago you were a somewhat average teenage girl who rarely did anything but read Science Fiction books. You didn't even have a job!_

Father was right. And I did want to go back sometimes. But right now I couldn't.

So I went into Lady Quinn's room to help her get ready for the party. Her wild, frizzy red hair wasn't yet styled and she looked more like her old self. At that point she only wore her slip, underwear, stockings, and a partially laced corset.

I helped her lace up the corset properly.

As I did this, I couldn't help but think she looked lovely with only some of her makeup on and her hair not styled.

I tried to avoid paying attention to that as I helped her into the bustle cage she wears under her skirt. It's this horrid thing that holds up her skirt in the back. I'm pretty sure they call it a cage because it looks like one. It's made of stiff wire with a bit of fabric over it so it doesn't show through the skirt. Apparently aristocrats of the Transylvanian Empire judge other aristocrats by their ability to dance the Time Warp while wearing insane clothes.

Weird, isn't it?

After I finished helping her into the lovely bodice she wore over the corset, she smiled at me. She hadn't smiled at me in a while, at least not like this.

"I see the way you look at me, Fay. I remember the person I was the day we met. I'm sorry I've become such a different person. I know how you feel about me. I understand, since I feel that way about my brother. I want you to stop thinking about me like this, and I'm sure you will. But I'll give you one thing to remember me by."

And then she stepped closer to me… and kissed me softly on the lips.

It lasted hardly ten seconds- but they were ten perfect seconds.

After she stepped away, I saw an odd sadness in her eyes. "Go on, Fay. Go back to your work."

I did so, but didn't forget how she kissed me.


	17. 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS or the Spanish Inquisition. And I don't expect them, either. Nobody does.   
> This is the chapter in which I was officially losing it. Ye gods, I don't even remember writing some of it because of the sleep deprivation.

* * *

About a week and a half had gone by since Janet had found out about being pregnant with a (probably) half-alien child. She and her husband Brad were going over to her Granddaddy's house for dinner. Since only Granddaddy knew about it all, only he could help them.

"What do you think we should do? Pretend the child was born prematurely? Oh, and what if alien children are nothing like human children?" she ranted as they drove.

"Calm down, Janet. Those aliens looked just like us. They just dressed differently and had different customs. Anyway, the kid is half human."

After they'd parked in front of Granddaddy's house, they quickly got out of the car. The first snow of that winter had fallen only a few weeks before. Janet, when she was being dramatic, often compared herself to the snow on the Main Street that had turned to muddy slush ("I was so innocent, like the not-yet-run-over snow! And now, thanks to that crossdresser from outer space, I'm as dirty and terrible as the snow the muddy cars ran over!"). If Brad didn't truly love her, he would've laughed hysterically at her for saying that sort of thing.

But he didn't.

And so they now stood on the doorstep to Granddaddy's house and waited for him to answer the door. After a moment he opened the door showed them into his house.

"It's good to see you, Mr. Gray," Brad said cheerfully.

Nobody else said anything until they sat down at the table. Then, Granddaddy cleared his throat and began to speak.

"I've learned something you two might find interesting. Do you remember that old cinema that plays classic science fiction every Friday at midnight?"

"Of course! That dreadful niece of mine used to sneak off to that place at every chance she got," Janet replied unhappily.

"The people who own it are, I believe, aliens. Acquaintances of the castle-dwelling aliens, in fact. I went to one of their midnight shows and met a young woman named Trixie. Believing her to be an alien, I told her of an 'urban legend' involving the castle."

Janet gasped in horror. "You-"

"Don't worry, I only told her I'd heard about a castle- owned by oddly dressed people- which turned into a spaceship. If fact, I said I'd overheard some teenagers telling a story about it at the diner. Of course, she knew what I was really saying the moment I finished the story. So she's going to meet the three of us sometime so the can answer all our questions."

"How did you get her to agree to that?" Brad asked.

"I told her that my granddaughter was a close friend of an alien hunter from the government," Granddaddy replied with a laugh.

A moment later Granddaddy's housekeeper brought them all a nice dinner of baked salmon with lemon. Janet had stopped eating meat because of what happened to poor Eddie.

"So, if it's alright, I think we should go visit Trixie this very evening. At about 10:30."

"Tonight? Why, Janet is already upset enough and-"

"We'll go," Janet whispered.

So they finished their dinner in silence.

After that, they all got their coats and drove to the movie theater. It was in town, luckily. Not in the middle of nowhere. They drove in Brad's car so they could listen to his beloved cassette tape of Richard Nixon's resignation speech.

That always calmed him down.

Once they'd parked in front of the movie theater, Granddaddy led them through a door on the side of the building. They now found themselves in a narrow hallway.

Granddaddy knew where Trixie dressing room was, so the others followed him.

As the walked, Janet began to wonder why someone working at a movie theater would need a dressing room. Did they also do shows of some kind here?

They soon found themselves standing in front of a door. On it hung a sign that said 'Trixie' in large, friendly letters. Granddaddy carefully knocked on the door.

"Come in!" shouted a voice from inside.

He opened the door and all three of them stepped into the room.

It was a dreadful mess. Costumes were thrown all over the floor… a trashcan overflowed with tissues and empty lipstick tubes…

At the cluttered vanity table sat a young woman with her shoulder length brown hair styled in curls. She wore a slightly shorter than knee-length dark red skirt and a fitted button down jacket in the same color.

To Janet's disgust, the woman also wore fishnet stockings.

When she saw her three guests via the mirror, she dropped the container cherry red lipstick she'd been applying.

"Hello, Miss Trixie," Brad said politely, taking off his hat.

"You're back," she said bluntly, her wide brown eyes betraying her fear.

Granddaddy sighed. "Of course I am. I said I would be."

As she backed toward the wall opposite the door, her eyes scanned the room in search of an escape. There wasn't one.

"We just wanted to ask you a few questions about the castle," Janet said, attempting to smile kindly.

"What sort of questions?" Trixie whispered, eyes wide.

"Why are you so frightened?" Granddaddy asked.

She sighed. "Because I feel like I'm being interrogated. I mean… I didn't expect you to be like… I didn't expect…"

She tried to think of something out of of earthling culture or history.

"… I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

" _Nobody_ expects the Spanish Inquisition!" shouted a voice. Three men in red robes had just appeared in the room. They hadn't even come through the door or anything…

Janet fainted in shock.

After a brief lecture on what they were known for, the Spanish Inquisition disappeared. Nobody really knew what to do or say… so they went back to interviewing Trixie.

By the time they left, they'd learned quite a bit about the aliens in the castle. Trixie had warmed up to them after a while. In fact she took so much of a liking to them that she sent a letter to Lord and Lady Quinn, requesting that they send someone to help the humans deal with all this.

However, Lord and Lady Quinn had other things on their minds…

* * *

 

That always calmed him down.

Once they'd parked in front of the movie theater, Granddaddy led them through a door on the side of the building. They now found themselves in a narrow hallway.

Granddaddy knew where Trixie dressing room was, so the others followed him.

As the walked, Janet began to wonder why someone working at a movie theater would need a dressing room. Did they also do shows of some kind here?

They soon found themselves standing in front of a door. On it hung a sign that said 'Trixie' in large, friendly letters. Granddaddy carefully knocked on the door.

"Come in!" shouted a voice from inside.

He opened the door and all three of them stepped into the room.

It was a dreadful mess. Costumes were thrown all over the floor… a trashcan overflowed with tissues and empty lipstick tubes…

At the cluttered vanity table sat a young woman with her shoulder length brown hair styled in curls. She wore a slightly shorter than knee-length dark red skirt and a fitted button down jacket in the same color.

To Janet's disgust, the woman also wore fishnet stockings.

When she saw her three guests via the mirror, she dropped the container cherry red lipstick she'd been applying.

"Hello, Miss Trixie," Brad said politely, taking off his hat.

"You're back," she said bluntly, her wide brown eyes betraying her fear.

Granddaddy sighed. "Of course I am. I said I would be."

As she backed toward the wall opposite the door, her eyes scanned the room in search of an escape. There wasn't one.

"We just wanted to ask you a few questions about the castle," Janet said, attempting to smile kindly.

"What sort of questions?" Trixie whispered, eyes wide.

"Why are you so frightened?" Granddaddy asked.

She sighed. "Because I feel like I'm being interrogated. I mean… I didn't expect you to be like… I didn't expect…"

She tried to think of something out of of earthling culture or history.

"… I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

" _Nobody_ expects the Spanish Inquisition!" shouted a voice. Three men in red robes had just appeared in the room. They hadn't even come through the door or anything…

Janet fainted in shock.

After a brief lecture on what they were known for, the Spanish Inquisition disappeared. Nobody really knew what to do or say… so they went back to interviewing Trixie.

By the time they left, they'd learned quite a bit about the aliens in the castle. Trixie had warmed up to them after a while. In fact she took so much of a liking to them that she sent a letter to Lord and Lady Quinn, requesting that they send someone to help the humans deal with all this.

However, Lord and Lady Quinn had other things on their minds…

* * *


	18. 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

The day after the day Lady Quinn kissed me, I was sent to work for Lady Flora Chapman. I guess that kiss was some sort of way of saying goodbye.

I immediately moved into a small room right off of Lady Flora's main living quarters. Prince Celebglinn had insisted on that. He claimed that I would be something of a bodyguard for Lady Flora.

Judging by the larger, fancier living areas the Chapman family was richer than the Quinn family. There also seemed to be more of them. Lord and Lady Chapman had three children… Lord Malvolio, Lady Hippolyta, and (of course) Flora.

To my surprise, there wasn't a single attempt on Lady Flora's life. I nearly began to suspect that Glen (that's what the prince always asked me to call him) was playing an elaborate joke.

Whatever.

Flora and I became close friends. _Very_ close friends.

We spent many afternoons wandering through the palace gardens in the moonlight. It was strangely romantic.

"Fay?" she said on one of these afternoons.

"Yes, Miss Flora?"

She stopped walking and sat down on a nearby bench. After a moment, I sat down beside her.

"Have you ever been in love, Fay?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Do people really say that sort of thing? I always thought that's the line mediocre screenwriters used to introduce a song and dance sequence involving Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers."

Though my tone of voice was teasing, I meant it. I never liked those sorts of films. And she'd never seen those films.

"I mean it, darling." Lady Flora was the sort of person who called everyone darling.

"Fine. I have- I think- been in love."

"Oh? What was it like? What was _he_ like?"

"It was a she, actually."

Flora rolled her eyes. "Close enough. Just tell me, what's it like?"

"It's like being ill in a nice way. Your stomach feels funny… and you want to sing Cole Porter standards and quote Shakespearean comedies."

"What're 'Cole Porter standards'?" she asked, staring blankly at me.

I laughed. "Cole Porter was this guy who wrote classic songs, many of which were soppy and romantic."

"Oh."

It was those kinds of conversations that worried me. She still didn't know who I really was. I felt guiltier and guiltier.

And then, a month or two after I'd first befriended her; the prince sent me a message. A very worrying message…

Apparently his mother had become suspicious of me. She'd had spies at that servant's parties and had started guessing that I wasn't who I claimed to be.

The prince summoned me to one of his secret meeting rooms on one of my evenings off. There we discussed his mother's 'mad theories'.

"She thinks you're my cousin. I've no idea why, though. Lord Quinn admitted that you grew up on earth. That's pretty obvious," he told me.

_Just tell him. Any more lying will make things worse._

I took a deep breath. "It's all true."

"Seriously?" He didn't seem as shocked as one might expect, I realized.

"My name is Fay Gallagher. Your uncle had an affair with an earthling woman named Lenore about 17 years ago," I explained.

"How long have known this?" he asked.

"I only found out about this a week before I showed up here."

We sat there in an odd silence for a moment. He spoke first.

"So… I got you that book."

"Which book?" I didn't remember asking for him to buy a book.

_You did. When you thought you'd be a bodyguard for_

"The one about the Vampire girl. _Carmilla"_

"Oh."

A moment later I returned to my room. That night I began rereading my favorite 19th century novel. Much to my embarrassment I began to cry slightly. I really missed Earth. I felt strangely homesick.


	19. 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

A few days after she'd sent a letter to Lady Quinn, Trixie received a reply. The very idea that someone of the upper class would reply to a commoner like Trixie surprised her.

The letter itself surprised her even more.

Apparently Lord and Lady Quinn would come visit Earth, but would need a place to stay. Piloting the castle ship was too dangerous, since numerous earthlings now knew what it looked like. They would arrive in a smaller ship that could easily be disguised.

And they'd need a place to stay.

Trixie invited Brad, Janet, and Mr. Gray to dinner the evening her friends were scheduled to arrive. She planned to take them to the landing sight to meet Lord and Lady Quinn. Even a 5-months-pregnant Janet agreed to this plan.

How exciting for a simple commoner to have such distinguished nobles stay at her house!

* * *

One day I received a letter from the princess, summoning me to meet her for tea that afternoon. Thankfully the Prince and I were supposed to meet that same day for lunch. And so, I showed him the letter just after we sat down to eat baked salmon and rice.

"I'll let you borrow my best sword," he said, once he'd read the note.

I stared blankly at him. "What would I need a sword for…?"

"You don't seriously expect me to let you meet her unarmed? It's dangerous enough for you to be in this city! At the present time only a few people know who you are. If anyone else finds out your secret, you could be used."

"So... metaphorically speaking, I'm an extra queen someone might use to cheat in a chess game?" I asked, trying to sound clever.

He rolled his eyes. "That's a bit melodramatic. And far too simple. If someone kills the queen and my mother you're automatically Queen. People are going to try to get you on their side if the secret gets out. It's very complicated."

"Won't you inherit?"

"No. A few years ago, when I turned 16, I abdicated my right to the throne. I did this by choice, you see, in the hope to extend my life span."

_Clever boy! You'd better listen to him, since he's a lot more sane than everyone else around here._

For once, Father seemed to be giving me sensible advice.

So, when I went to tea that afternoon, I carried a sword with me. Technically it wasn't a sword. I'd never trained in fencing, so I couldn't fight with a _real_ sword. It was more of a bigger dagger. Good for any stabbings I might need to perform, apparently.

I hid the dagger/sword in my right boot. I'd worn boots just for a place to hide the weapon. My skirt was just long enough to cover the handle. The part of me that was still a boring earthling was _very_ excited about the sword.

I felt half like I was attending a Renaissance Festival, half like I was attending my own beheading...

When I actually got to the princess's quarters, I was very nervous. Thanks to their weird obsession with 19th century fashion, it's easy to forget that the people of the Transylvanian Empire have all this futuristic technology.

I remembered when I had to type a password into a keypad to get into sitting room.

The room I entered was beautiful. Much of the furniture seemed to be made of actual silver, inlaid with jewels. Two of the walls were lined with live-size crystal statues of various people and cats.

Where the room's fourth wall should've been was a balcony over the gardens. A complex-looking system of curtains could be used to separate the balcony and the room. For now, however, they were drawn back.

"Hello," said a female voice.

I turned around to see the princess. Like the first time I'd seen her she wore a lavish black dress. Of course, it wasn't the same dress as last time. But her clothes were only different when it came to details.

"Hello, Your Highness," I said, curtsying.

She smiled in false-kindness and pointed to one of the three couches surrounding a coffee table. "Do sit down, Miss Gallagher."

Out of strange fear, I did so. Then she sat on the couch across from me.

And the interrogation began.

I told her everything. Something about her made me worry that the slightest falsehood would bring about my untimely demise.

Once I'd finished, she smiled that cruel smile again. "What a lovely story. Seems like everything is exactly as I thought. Would you care for a biscuit?"

"N-n-no thank you, Your Highness," I replied, standing up.

She raised a dark eyebrow. "Are you really leaving so soon?"

"No, Your Highness. I just wanted to see the gardens from your balcony."

"Well, go along then," she said, after a moment.

I pushed aside the curtains, and walked out onto the balcony. The view was indeed lovely. I could see the moonset beginning. How oddly peaceful it all looked…

After a serene moment I heard rustling behind me. Somebody was hiding in the curtains!

In a crazed panic I drew my sword out of its hiding place and began stabbing wildly at the place where I'd heard a person moving about. I heard a slight cry and continued to slash at the curtain.

After a moment a pool of blood appeared on the marble floor.

The movement stopped…

I tore away the curtain to see who my almost-attacker had been…

To my horror it wasn't an assassin. It was the Queen. Apparently she'd been eavesdropping on her daughter's conversation. An innocent, presumably unarmed person…

I had to get away. Quickly as possible, I climbed down from the balcony. My clothes still dripping with the poor woman's blood I ran.

Soon I found a spaceship just about to leave for earth. I stowed away on it, hoping to escape my terrible crime.

* * *

The first person to see that spaceship land was a five-year-old earthling boy. He was sitting in his room, staring out the window. If his Auntie Nell, who'd "raised 'em by hand", weren't so mean he would've told her about it. If his Uncle Gregory were home he would've told him.

But he didn't.

His name was Pip.

We shall learn more of him later.

* * *


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

I spent the first hours after take-off eavesdropping on the other people on the spaceship. It was a very small ship, so keeping out of their sight proved challenging. I soon learned that we would arrive on earth in about three days. Apparently small starships travel faster than the castle-ships owned by nobles. Only two people (not including me) were on the ship.

A woman called Rose-Anne and her husband Guilden.

On the first day I learned enough of their schedule to figure out when to steal food from them. I figured that they wouldn't miss the small amount of salmon jerky I stole. They also had many containers of water for drinking and washing up. I used as little as possible of that water to wash the Queen's blood off my hands.

Of course, I also drank some of it.

Those were the most boring three days of my life.

To avoid being caught, I had to stay alert all the time. That meant I couldn't allow myself to sleep more that a few hours over those three days. When we finally got to Earth I was overjoyed.

As soon as we'd landed, I left the ship through the emergency escape hatch I'd entered through. They'd arrived at night.

 _Probably on purpose, so stupid earthlings don't see them_.

We weren't far outside an ordinary looking town. In fact, we were practically on the property of a few people! At least Rose-Anne and Guilden had parked the ship amongst some trees. I hid amongst these trees for a moment and tried to think of a plan.

To my confusion, four earthlings appeared out of a car parked nearby and greeted the two aliens. Two were men, judging by the suits I could just barely see in the darkness. The other two were woman… one of which looked pregnant.

The earthlings greeted the aliens with familiarity that bordered on suspicious.

I couldn't help but wonder what was going on. And one of the men looked like someone I knew. An-ex schoolteacher of mine, maybe? I wasn't sure.

They left too soon for me to figure it out.

* * *

Pip awoke early the next morning. For a boy of such a young age, he was very grown up. Living as the adopted son of a woman like 'Auntie' Nell Jones does that to a child. And Uncle Gregory never helped much…

After he'd gotten dressed, he remembered seeing the spaceship last night. But wasn't that a dream? It must've been.

He went downstairs and ate a bowl of cereal. It being 8:30 on a Saturday, Auntie Nell wasn't up. Uncle Gregory wasn't either though (probably) would be soon. The Jones Hardware Store opened at 10:00 on Saturdays and Fridays.

After Pip had eaten his cereal and washed his bowl he decided to visit the place a spaceship might've crashed last night.

He'd been to that area many times. One of the only things Auntie Nell ever allowed Uncle Gregory to say about Pip's parents was that they'd often visited that place. The only other facts he knew from Auntie Nell were that his mother died in childbirth and his father died in a motorcycle accident.

Pip didn't even know their names!

The reason he visited that little place on the edge of the forest was in the hope that the phantom of either parent may appear. A child of his young age often believed in such ideas as phantoms. Yet he'd never met any fantastical beings such as that.

The prospect of meeting aliens was almost as exciting as the idea of meeting his late parents… or so a child like young Pip thought.

So, that very morning, he went looking for the spaceship.

He walked over to the edge of the forest. Since it was practically in his backyard, the task was quite simple. Just as he began looking for any sign of a spaceship he heard a twig snap. Though it startled him, he swore to himself that a harmless bunny rabbit was somewhere nearby. Then the sound of a hoarse voice shattered this illusion.

"Hello."

He turned to see a teenage girl sitting on the ground nearby. Her clothes were covered in mud and her auburn hair a tangled mess. The plain black dress she wore had suspicious reddish-brown stains on the white cuffs. Before Pip could run off, she grabbed the sleeve of his jacket.

"Please help me. I've run away from home for safety of my own life. I need… water. And clean clothes. _Please_."

Seeing the pleading look in her eyes he nodded. "I'll get you a water bottle from my Auntie's kitchen."

The odd young woman let go of his sleeve and collapsed to the ground.

"Thank you," she whispered, giving Pip a kind smile.

Only moments later he returned with the promised water bottle. She drank it in desperate, nearly barbaric gulps.

"If it's not too much to ask… does your Aunt have any clothes for me to borrow? Or at least a place for me to shower?"

He thought about it for a moment, and then spoke. "I'll go ask Uncle Gregory. He's nicer than Auntie Nell."

The odd girl nodded. "Please do. I feel like a terrible mess after all that running."

As Pip went to find Uncle Gregory, he briefly contemplated the idea that the odd girl was an alien. No, that's impossible! Aliens are green, bug-eyed monsters. Not sad teenage girls escaping from mean parents.

Or so Pip believed.


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

Gregory Jones awoke one Saturday morning because his nephew was attempting to wake him up by shaking him by the shoulders. 'Attempting to' being the key phrase- a scrawny little 5-year-old isn't really strong enough to wake up a man of average build.

Luckily, Mr. Jones happened to be a light sleeper.

"Whatsswrongpip?' he muttered groggily.

"The girl in the forest. She's run away from her mean family and needs our help!"

"Hmm?"

"Please get up, Uncle Gregory!"

With a dramatic sigh Mr. Jones slowly got out of bed. At this point he half-believed that 'the girl in the forest' was just a game. And then he saw the look on Pip's face. The boy was _dead_ serious.

Mr. Jones got dressed as quickly as possible.

Carefully, they tiptoed past the room where Mrs. Jones slept (she'd always slept in a room separate from her husband's, much to everyone's confusion). Waking her up would make things worse.

When they got back to where Pip had left the girl, she still sat there.

"Hello. You must be 'Uncle Gregory' this boy spoke of," she said in a surprisingly well-mannered fashion.

"Yes, I'm Gregory Jones," he replied.

The odd girl slowly stood up, wincing slightly. "Lovely to meet you, Mr. Jones. My name is Fay Gallagher and I've run away from home. I plan to stay at my Aunt's house. Could you tell me where I am?"

"Denton," Mr. Jones said simply, assuming she already knew the state.

"Oh? Do you know of a woman by the name of Miss Janet Weiss?"

He stared at her thoughtfully. "Well… I don't think so."

"The last time I saw her, she'd just gotten engaged to marry a man named Brad Majors… do you know _him_?"

At this, Mr. Jones nodded. "I do. Not well, though. Though I know he's got a wife. I think she's pregnant now, in fact."

"My, my. When was the wedding? I'm ever so sorry I missed it."

"Right around last Christmas… I think."

Their cheerful conversation was interrupted by Pip (who they'd almost forgotten about). "We should be going back, I think. Auntie Nell might be awake now. We don't want her to get all angry at us!"

"That's right," Mr. Jones said with a sigh.

* * *

I followed Mr. Gregory Jones and his nephew into their house. After finding an extra outfit of his wife's, Mr. Jones showed me to the guest bathroom to wash up. Though the shower water wasn't very warm and Mrs. Jones' clothes were a few sizes to big, it was better than nothing.

After I finished getting dressed I went back to their kitchen… to find a slightly familiar-looking woman shouting at Mr. Jones and his nephew.

"A RANDOM, STRANGE GIRL APPEARS OUT OF _NOWHERE_ AND YOU JUST INVITE HER INTO _MY_ HOUSE FOR NO REASON? OH, YOU'RE _BOTH_ ALMOST AS BAD AS MY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SISTER! OH, HOW COULD YOU! THAT GIRL COULD BE ANYONE!"

To my shock, the boy and his uncle just stood there. They didn't try to defend me or anything. They didn't even try to defend themselves!

_Cowards. Just look at 'em standing there! Letting that terrible woman shout and shout… fools._

I understood why they didn't stand up for themselves. Arguing back at the shrill-voiced woman would take a lot of courage.

All too soon, she noticed me standing in the doorway.

"Well, well, _well_ … HERE'S THE LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER HERSELF! Who are you really? No more lies about being Janet Majors' niece. I know for a fact that her only niece died in a dreadful car crash last November!"

"I'm that girl. And I didn't die in a car crash. You must believe me… just take me to Aunt Janet's house and ask her. Please?"

"I can drive her on my way to the store," Mr. Jones muttered.

That fiendish woman glared hatefully at me. "Fine! At least she'll be away from _my_ house."

And so, Mr. Jones drove me to a familiar house… the house Brad owned. Aunt Janet must've moved in with him after they got married.

I stood on the doorstep before I worked up the courage to ring the doorbell.

A moment later my Aunt answered it. "Fay…" she whispered.

"Who is it, dear?" shouted a voice from somewhere inside the house.

"Fay… what're you doing here? Oh, Lady Quinn said you were still on that far away planet. What's happened?"

_A better question is what happened to her._

Father was right. The woman in front of me was a faded echo of Aunt Janet. For one thing, she wasn't going on and on about what a dreadful little troublemaker I'd always been. And her once-rosy skin was slightly ashen. Worse still, her eyes seemed empty and hopeless.

 _Ooh, she really looks horrible. And it's only been five months since I last saw her. Five months since I first saw her, come to think of it._ Ignoring Father's gossipy voice, I followed Janet into her living room. To my shock, Lord and Lady Quinn sat on the couch, quietly conversing with Brad. What on was going on?

"Magenta!" I shouted, so shocked to see her here that I used her first name.

"Fay?!" she replied.

"Magenta...?" Riffraff muttered in confusion. Apparently he hadn't noticed me and didn't understand why his sister had shouted my name.

"Janet!?" said Brad, presumably wondering where she'd found me.

_Ooh, I remember this! I'm supposed to say 'Rocky'!_

"Magenta?"

"Fay!"

"Magenta!"

"Janet?"

_Rocky!_

"Magenta!"

"Fay!"

"Magenta!"

"Janet."

_Rocky!_

Janet sighed dramatically. "Please stop."

Now that we'd all settled down a bit, both Aunt Janet and I sat down on the couch. I still had a bit of a crush (well, too much of a crush) on Magenta, so I sat next to her. This, understandably, seemed to annoy Riffraff. I noticed him quickly wrap his arm around her shoulder. Good thing I sat on the other side.

"So…" Magenta said, after a moment of awkward silence. "How the hell did you get here, Fay?"

"I, er, stowed away on a spaceship owned by two strange people called Rose-Anne and Guilden."

Riffraff nearly 'face-palmed' at hearing that. "Did you seriously not realize that 'Rose-Anne' and 'Guilden' were my sister and I? How could you not recognize our voices? You're as stupid as an earthling!"

I told you someone was stealing our food supply bit by bit," Magenta muttered.

Another awkward silence fell upon the room. Brad, of all people, was first to speak.

"So, are our plans the same? You two- well, three- are staying here until the baby is born?"

Magenta nodded. "That sounds about right. If Riffraff and I share a bedroom, we'll have enough space for Fay."

"But how will we explain the reappearance of my niece who everyone thought was dead?" Janet asked.

Pretend I'm just another relative who got amnesia and thought she was Fay Gallagher. That kind of thing always works in the movies. I could be someone related to Aunt Janet's brother-and-law. Someone called… Anne Morbius."

Brad chuckled. "What sort of name is that?"

"Anne Francis stars as Altaira Morbius in the movie _Forbidden Planet._ "

"That's another Science Fiction thing, isn't it?" Janet muttered, clearly annoyed.

"But since most earthlings around here hate Science Fiction it'll work. Anyway, it'll clue Trixie in," Magenta said thoughtfully.

"Trixie?" I asked.

"I'll explain later," said Magenta.

I smiled at the idea of talking to her later.

_Won't you ever get over your childish crush on her? She's to in love with that silly brother of her's to notice!_


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

That evening a young woman named Trixie came over for dinner.

Apparently, she was the usherette who worked at the movie theater that played Science Fiction very late at night on Saturdays. I'd gone to see _Plan Nine From Outer Space_ on the annual Really Bad Movie weekend one time. Though I hadn't met Trixie before…

"So, I hear you're a fan of Sci-Fi movies," she said cheerfully.

I nodded. "Definitely. Though I've been to your theater only once, on last year's Really Bad Movie Weekend."

"Ooh, _Plan Nine From Outer Space._ Ed Wood directed that? Didn't he? He's the worst director ever, ya know. Just watch _Glen or Glenda_. As they say in that film: 'Beware, beware, beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats-'"*

Brad cleared his throat. "I think we should get back to the topic we originally met to discuss."

Trixie laughed nervously. "Right."

"So, Riffraff, you said you know enough about medicine to do basic tests on Janet? To make sure everything is alright?" Brad said, clearly worried.

"Yes… I know Fay's mother died in childbirth because she treated a half-alien pregnancy like an earthling pregnancy. There's a bit of a difference."

"Really?" Janet said nervously.

"A Transylvanian child needs more nutrients than a human child. That's why you haven't been gaining the normal amount of weight. The baby is literally draining the life out of you. I brought some medications you might need to take and we'll need to carefully monitor your diet. But I'll first need to take some blood tests to figure out the dosages of medications and other details," Riffraff explained.

_I wonder if she'll be pretty again once they figure out how to make her better._

Did Father not know how fat pregnant women look?

_Of course she'll be fat. But at least her face might become its usual color again and she won't look like she's dying of a Victorian Novel Heroine Disease._ _Or she could hurry up and die tragically. That would be the most convenient option._

If Father weren't a ghost without any physical form, I probably would've punched him on the nose. Even though I'd never really gotten along with Aunt Janet I still didn't approve of what Father said.

_You rarely approve of what I say. But I won't stop haunting you. Being properly dead sounds hideously annoying. As long as you're alive, I get to see the real world._

Lovely. Now if only he'd shut up long enough for me to pay attention to the conversation around me.

_Ungrateful wretch._

Mercifully, Father's ghost then stopped bothering me and I went back to listening to the other people at the dinner table.

"-think we should take Janet to the Transylvanian Empire's best hospital when she actually goes into labor," Riffraff was saying.

"Wouldn't it be better to bring a doctor here, to Earth? Travel- _especially_ space travel- might not be the best for someone in her condition," Magenta pointed out.

"I think she deserves a say in all this," said Brad.

Everyone stared at Janet.

"Staying here sounds like the best idea," she muttered.

I zoned out of the conversation for the rest of my time sitting at the dinner table. None of it involved me, anyway. After I'd finished eating my dinner, I quietly excused myself from the table.

Since I'd been here a few times before I knew the floor plan well enough. That meant I knew where both guest rooms were. I decided to figure out which room was Magenta's by looking around both. It was actually pretty easy, since only she wore dresses… and a dress was draped over the desk chair in one of the rooms.

Earlier, she'd said that she'd move into Riffraff room. So I assumed the room with all her belongings would soon be mine. Speaking of her belongings…

For some reason I wanted to look through the suitcase that sat on one of the twin bed. I knew nearly nothing about her personal life. Maybe looking through her suitcase would tell me something.

_That's creepy as hell._

It wasn't creepy!

_It totally is._

Ignoring Father's comments, I began searching through the suitcase. Besides clothes I found a collection of letters (that I wouldn't allow myself to read), a box of expensive-looking jewelry, and a few books. Only one of the books was from Earth. That was _The Complete Works of William Shakespeare_

How interesting. I began flipping through the pages...

"What're you doing, Fay?"

I dropped the book and spun around to see Magenta leaning against the doorframe, smiling in amusement.

"Um… nothing."

"Liar! You're going through my suitcase. But _why_?"

Blushing horribly, I moved away. "It's just because I know nothing about your personal life. And I just thought that looking through you're suitcase might give me a hint."

She rolled her eyes. "If you want to know something about me, just ask me. That's way less creepy."

_I told you that you were being creepy!_

Only a few minutes later, we were sitting next to each other on the room's only bed. I was leaning against her shoulder. The only reason she let me do this was because it was late in the evening and she knew I was tired.

Like always, she treated me like a little sister.

Only a few minutes later, we were sitting next to each other on the room's only bed. I was leaning against her shoulder. The only reason she let me do this was because it was late in the evening and she knew I was tired.

Like always, she treated me like a little sister.

But she told me stories about her childhood at the palace. Stories about when she came to Earth five years before Riffraff killed my Father. Like an older sister, she tucked me into bed and gave me an annoyingly innocent kiss on the forehead.

"Goodnight, Fay," she whispered after she'd packed up her suitcase.

Then she left the room… but not before turning out the light. I slowly began to fall into a calm sleep. The last thing I heard before I properly fell asleep was my Father's voice.

_Goodnight, my dear daughter._

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annotations:
> 
> * Yes, Plan Nine From Outer Space and Glen or Glenda are actual movies. That quote Trixie starts to recite is actually something said in the latter. That sort of insanity was how Edward D. Wood Jr (1924-1978) earned the title 'worst director ever'. What does one expect from a guy who constantly bragged about wearing women's underclothes under his uniform while fighting in World War Two?


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS

After less than a week on Earth I got a message from the prince.

Apparently I needed to return to the palace as soon as possible. He's sent the fastest starship he had access to bring me 'home'. The message didn't explain what was so important, but I knew better than to disobey him.

Janet wouldn't have the baby for another few months, so nobody really needed my help at that point.

The letter told me that the ship would be landing in the trees next to the house Mr. and Mrs. Jones lived in. It amused me quite a bit that that location had been chosen. At least it meant I could return the dress I'd borrowed from Mrs. Jones.

A servant I recognized turned out to be the ship's pilot. That servant I'd met at the party on my first day. The young man named Cesario.

"Hello, Fay," he said cheerfully.

"Hello," I replied as I sat down in the spaceships cramped cockpit.

"It should take less than a day to get back to the palace. The prince told me to give you this book."

He handed me a copy of _Carmilla_ by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. The exact same copy, I quickly realized, that the prince had given me.

I spent the entire trip rereading that novella.

* * *

After we'd landed in a small landing area near the palace gardens, Cesario escorted me to the prince's quarters. He sat at the desk in the corner of his elegant sitting room. Pages upon pages of notes were piled in front of him.

Cesario cleared his throat.

This startled the prince, though he quickly recovered.

"You're here. Good," he said simply.

"What's going on here? Really? Was there a specific reason you summoned me here, or-"

"Calm down, Fay! I've found a failure-proof way to end this madness once and for all. Just trust me."

I took a deep breath. "What's your plan?"

"The Transylvanian Empire loves drama. To many citizens, life should be like… um, it should be like… a movie with lots of over acting or something. Whatever. And what's more dramatic than a duel between to possible heirs to the throne?"

I raised an eyebrow. "A duel? Like, a sword fight?"

"Of course," he replied cheerfully.

"Don't you remember? I can't fence!"

At this he chuckled. "Oh, just wave the sword about and try to hit her hard enough to cut her. It's quite simple. And she's dreadful at it anyway. As long as I give you a sword that isn't to heavy for you to lift, you're fine!"

And then he sent Cesario, who I'd forgotten about, to get the sword he'd chosen for me. When the servant returned, he carried a cumbersome rectangular box. In the box, I soon discovered, was a lovely sword made of pale, silvery metal. It shimmered oddly in the moonlight.

"It's very, very, _very_ sharp," the prince warned, "Pick it up by the handle."

I did so. To my surprise, it was light and easy to wield. Maybe I'd win the duel after all.

Yet, as the clock ticked away, I began to panic. I was supposed to meet the princess in the throne room at precisely 3:15 in the afternoon. At 3 o'clock, I was pacing around in a nearby hallway.

_Don't worry. My sister's an idiot. Anyway, I think your cousin found a way to cheat. I'm not sure what he's up to_

Why did Father even care about the fight's outcome?

_I would no longer be in the world of the living. Since I can only exist as a ghost inside your mind, your death would destroy me to._

And I'd hoped that he was starting to care for me! His own daughter…

 _I only knew you for a few hours while I was alive… remember? You didn't know I existed and I didn't know you existed. Surely that's enough of an excuse for me not caring 'enough'._ Before I could think of an argument to counter his, Cesario appeared in the doorway to the throne room. Time for the duel…

And then I entered the room to see a small crowd of spectators. Most of them I recognized, though few I recognized by name. But I tried my best to ignore their leering faces.

I focused all my attention on the princess.

It was I who first swung a blade. To my annoyance, it _just_ missed her shoulder.

"Can't you do better than that?' she sang in a sing-song voice.

Gritting my teeth, I stabbed again. This time my sword actually made contact with the terrible woman's skin. It sliced through a decent amount of her upper arm.

At that, the fight truly began.

I managed to dodge nearly all of her wild stabs and swings. Yet she soon managed to cut me. In the same place I'd cut her.

"Ha! I got your arm," she said gleefully.

"Not really. It's just a flesh wound."

My matter-of-fact words apparently enraged her. She became more random and paid nearly no attention to the fact that I dodged her every time.

And then I managed to stab her through the stomach.

"You… bitch…" she hissed as she collapsed to the floor.

A terrible silence fell over the room. I dropped my sword and slowly stepped backward. The sight of another person dead by my hand sickened me.

The first person to speak was Lord Malvolio, Flora's older brother. He rushed to the dying woman's side. "Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet princess. And flights of angels sing you to you rest."

And she died.

Malvolio grabbed my sword off the floor and quickly sunk it's blade into his chest. "Oh! Happy dagger… let me die!"

A few people had to stifle laughter. That was absolutely hilarious. Death isn't funny… but a wild-eyed nobleman sinking a sword into his chest with such dramatic words is downright hysterical.

* * *


	24. 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

After the duel, Cesario showed me to Lady Flora's living quarters. Even after months of living in the palace I still needed help finding my way around. I collapsed onto the sitting room couch. That fight was extremely tiring.

"Should I get a bandage for your arm?" Cesario asked.

"Probably," I replied.

He left the room for a moment, and soon returned with a first aid kit. I took my shirt off (leaving me shivering in just my bra) so he could properly bandage the cut. As he cleaned out the injury with awful rubbing alcohol, he told the strangest story.

"Many centuries ago, in the earliest days of the Transylvanian Empire, woman weren't allowed to fight a soldiers in wars. So they often dressed up in men's clothing. These woman would often avoid being treated for any of their injuries, so that they wouldn't be found out." He then began wrapping a bandage around my arm. "Who would've thought that a crossdressing woman would be the one bandaging up an injured friend?"

As I began buttoning up my shirt, I finally understood. " _Flora_?"

With a laugh he- well, _she_ \- took off her hat... her long, feminine hairstyle was now visible. "The very same. I'm surprised you hadn't figured it out already!"

"Does the prince know?" I asked.

"Of course I do!" said a voice behind me.

I turned around to see the prince standing in the doorway. Judging by the amused expression on his face, he'd been there for quite a while.

"So," He said, after a moment, "I'm going to propose to Flora's sister Hippolyta this very evening. If Queen Fay approves, I'll be planning to have the wedding be the same day as her coronation."

"And, if Fay approves, I'll be marrying her the exact same day as my sister's wedding," Flora added cheerfully.

They both stared at me with pleading 'puppy-dog eyes.' After a while I had to give in.

"Okay, _fine_."

They both cheered.

* * *

The very next day our plans were announced to the entire Empire. Invitations to the coronation were sent to nearly everyone.

When it came to the double wedding, however, things were a bit more exclusive. Flora and I invited only five people (Magenta, Riffraff, Brad, Janet, and Trixie). The prince and Hippolyta invited just her parents.

The wedding would be just before lunchtime and the coronation at about teatime.

We planned for this day of celebrations to be about two weeks after the death of the old queen and her daughter. That hopefully meant people would forget the untimely demise of those two.

Out of all my guests only Trixie and Magenta said they'd attend the wedding. The others offered to give Flora and I a place to stay for our honeymoon. We all agreed that a boring little town would make a nice change after the madness of palace life.

* * *

On the actual day, I began to freak out a bit.

Trixie was the one helping me put on my makeup and my beautiful white dress… and trying to calm me down.

"I don't see why people get so nervous over stuff like this," she said as she brushed my hair.

"I would be less nervous if someone had told me that nobody wears white dresses for weddings around here," I grumbled.

She laughed. "Well, at least you'll stand out in history. Fay of Wray, the white-wearing Queen."

Somehow father had convinced me to officially rename the royal family Wray. It's not like many Transylvanians are likely to have seen the earthling movie King Kong. And we needed something to replace the old, hated name.

_And your dear old father absolutely loves that actress!_

I rolled my eyes.

Now, I realized, Trixie was styling my hair in delicate curls. She always wore her hair curled for her job as the usherette, so I trusted her.

"Don't you look _lovely_!" she squealed.

In my opinion, I just looked like I usually do with my hair curled.

"Now, it's time for you makeup!"

I rolled my eyes.

And so, she began applying the pale foundation. Next was dark eye makeup…

"I feel like a doll being dressed up," I said unhappily.

"Don't move your mouth! You've got to stand still so I can put your lipstick on."

Thankfully that didn't take very long.

At that point I only wore my corset, slip, underwear, and garter belt. I wasn't going to put my actual dress on until a little while later. That horrid thing looked nice but was practically impossible to walk around in, thanks to a sweeping train and practically 100 pounds of silk flowers.

Now that she'd finished applying my makeup, Trixie would help me get dressed. Oh dear.

"Ooh, that dress is lovely!" she sighed.

"I envy Flora. She gets to wear a suit instead of that monstrosity."

"But it's so pretty."

"The dress may _look_ nice. But between the skirt I can barely walk in and the corset it's _agony_."

Trixie laughed. "It can't be that bad. Let's put the skirt on first."

To make things a bit easier the dress was two separate pieces (skirt and bodice). The skirt had a zipper hidden on one side.

So, she helped me into the skirt. Then came the bodice. It had lots of dreadful little buttons on it, going all the way up. After standing still long enough for her to button each one I was in an even more terrible mood.

"And… done!" she said cheerfully.

I looked carefully into the floor-length mirror that hung nearby. Even though my outfit was uncomfortable, I looked truly-

"Beautiful, " said a voice by the door.

I spun around to see Brad of all people standing by the door.

"I teleported over here for a few hours when I realized that you didn't have a father to 'give you away.' I'll be going back as soon as the reception is over," he explained.

"Thank you!" I squealed.

This was all very exciting. I'd worried that the wedding wouldn't be enough like an earthling wedding, but his presence made thing a little better. He'd be the only earthling there.

"I think everyone's waiting for the bride," he said, after a moment.

Smiling with joy, I followed him out of my dressing room and into a small ballroom where we'd be having the ceremony.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost over, alas...


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own RHPS.

Just as I entered the room, Lord Chapman and Flora's sister entered from an opposite door.

Music began to play.

Slowly, the four of us approached the table that symbolized the altar. Flora smiled happily when I stood next to her. Hippolyta and the prince couldn't help but stare at each other.

Flora's father stood in the place of the priest. "Do you, Lady Fay of the House of Wray, wish to take Lady Flora as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I very much do."

"Do you, Lady Flora, wish to take Lady Fay as your wife?"

"I _definitely_ do."

He turned to the prince. "Do you, Glen Langley, wish to take Lady Hippolyta as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Do you, Lady Hippolyta, wish to take Glen Langley as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Yes, I do."

"I pronounce you, um… married. You may now each kiss your own bride."

Both couples kissed and all our guests cheered.

A few servants then brought in a table of food… and, by my special request, a set of speakers something called a CD player (someone had brought it back from the future).

"My dear friends and family… I once told Flora that one of the 'symptoms' of falling in love is that you want to sing old songs written by the earthling composer Cole Porter. One of his musical comedies ends with a wedding. So, I decided to play a few of song from that show, specially for Flora."

And so I slowly walked over to the CD player. Okay, maybe I exaggerated about the dress being impossible to walk in.

With a few clicks, the CD began to play. I started to sing along.

_"My story is much to sad to be told… but practically everything leaves me totally cold… the only exception I know is the case, when I'm out on a quiet spree… and I suddeny see you fabulous face_ "

Flora smiled at this.

" _I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all… so tell me why should it be true? That I get a kick out of you!"_

For the next verse, she sang along. I didn't know that she knew the lyrics.

_"Some get a kick from cocaine… I'm sure that if I took even one sniff that would bore me terrifically, too… but I get a kick out of you!"_

_"I get a kick every time I see you standing there before me… I get a kick though its clear to me you obviously don't adore me…"_ I sang.

"Ha! You know I 'adore' you. _I get no kick in a plane! Flying to high with some guy in the sky is my ideas of nothing to do… yet I get a kick out of you…"_

Everyone cheered.

"Oh, that was adorable," Flora's mother sighed.

Then came time for cake. We'd ordered two cakes, which looked exactly the same… until we cut them open. One was delightful chocolate and the other almond flavored.

_Intentionally almond? Or are some tricky little servants trying to kill you with cyanide?_

I rolled my eyes. _We_ ordered the almond flavored cake. Of course its not cyanide! We were too popular for it to be cyanide.

Everyone ate cake and all but ignored the tea sandwiches the kitchen had sent. Brad left about halfway through the party so he could get back to Earth.

" _And though I'm not a great romancer, I'm bound to answer when you propose… anything goes!"_ I sang along with the still playing CD.

* * *

The coronation went equally well.

I wore the wedding dress and stood with my new wife right beside me. The ceremony took place on a balcony overlooking a large pavilion. A crowd stood there cheering.

Though the royal family technically had a variety of tiaras and crowns, one was always used for coronations. It was made of silver and inlaid with a jewel only found on one of the mines of this planet. It glittered in the moonlight.

And I became Queen Fay of the Transylvanian Empire.

* * *

A few months later I got a letter from Earth.

Apparently Aunt Janet had given birth to a perfectly healthy daughter and wanted me to attend to the christening. I quickly replied that I would go if I could bring Flora. Soon she replied that that would be fine if we didn't say we were married.

That sort of thing hadn't yet caught on back on Earth, apparently.

The event was held at the church where Ralph and Betty had gotten married. When I got there I remember how, hardly a year ago, a bratty version of me sat here reading _2001: a Space Odyssey_. And since then I'd actually been to space (though never met any evil computers like HAL 9000)… I'd gotten married… I'd grown up.

Aunt Janet named her daughter Estella Fay Majors.

When I later asked, Janet explained that she'd given the first name in honor of the baby's half alien heritage. The middle name was, to my surprise, after me.

"Seriously?" I asked.

She nodded. "I realize that you're a really great person, Fay. I used to just see you as my bratty niece with no social life… but after all that's happened I realize it's not all that simple."

"Wow… um, thank you," I said, after a moment.

"By the way, weren't you and Flora going to spend your honeymoon here?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Where have you been, then? We set up the guest room for you two ages ago."

I blushed. "We never actually got around to coming here. I've been so busy with being the Queen after nearly no understanding of the empire's political-"

"Stay here for the next few weeks. You and Flora deserve a break, especially Flora."

"Fine."

"Anything you want to do now that you're back in town?" she asked after a moment.

Then I remembered Trixie's theater. "I want to go to the late night, double feature, picture show."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now it's all over...   
> Hopefully people enjoyed it and plan to review.


End file.
